Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Friday, June 10, 2005


Hunk-a, Hunk-a Burning Lung

I have been coughing for five fucking days. I don't mean that I've coughed a few times a day for that timespan, I mean I've been hacking my fucking lungs up, morning, noon and night for coming up on a week. It's gotten bad enough that I'm actually going to see a doctor tomorrow. It takes a lot to get me to the doctor, like a toe falling off or something.

The worst part, other than tremendous guilt over the strong possibility that I was keeping my wife awake--she gave me comfort by saying, "Honey, it's nothing compared to your fucking snoring"--is that I've got friends in town tonight performing a show and I'm worried that I'm going to be the loud coughing asshole in the audience who fucks up everyone's timing.

Also the worst part is that trying to teach junior high kids while coughing non-stop has left me with a voice not unlike that of the bastard son of Harvey Fierstein and Selma Diamond.

The other worst part is that I fucking hate coughing. If I was going to be making involuntary noises non-stop, I'd much prefer a mild and temporary case of Tourette's. Or maybe some new malady where I periodically make sounds like I'm orgasming. That'd be fun on the subway.

I am with you on the coughing thing. I HATE IT! Thankfully I managed to escape the worst of it last week...

Knock on wood, quick!
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