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Tuesday, June 14, 2005


The Joys of Summer

The heat is upon us here in New York. It reached 95 degrees today with humidity at 1047%. I love this city, but there are reasons why everyone who can afford to leave in the summer does so with all due haste. It's not a clean town. There's a thin film of grime on buildings, sidewalks and slow-moving old people. When you add a slowly swirling cloud of moisture into the equation, the grime becomes even more mobile and sticks to every exposed part of your body as you walk outside. Standing on a subway platform on days like this is somewhat akin to standing inside a flatulent rectum. Youngsters will clandestinely open up fire hydrants so that they can cool themselves off in the spray, which is nice for them and all, but results in a river of sludge running along the sidewalks and often running over your sandal-clad foot, which is great, if you've always been keen to amputate below the ankle but never had a reason why.

Now, I imagine that both sexes suffer mightily in this type of unpleasant environment. Today, though, I want to address a uniquely male issue: ball stickage.

In high heat and humidity, one's scrotum can sometimes become affixed to one's thigh. It makes for very awkward walking. So what's a man to do? I suppose he could continuously pull his nuts away from his leg with his hands, but this is not socially acceptable. That's why the scientists in the Hairshirt Labs have been working overtime to come up with better solutions, such as:
  • Have your testicles laminated.
  • At night, store your scrotum in the freezer and it will stay cool to the touch all day.
  • Keep your thighs greased up with vaseline, so that your nuts can find nothing on which to stick.
  • Wear your testicles outside of your pants.
  • Continually picture yourself fucking Rosie O'Donnell; if your nuts have retreated up into your body cavity, they aren't going to stick to your leg.
  • Hire a servant to de-stick your nuts for you.
  • Testicular airbags.
  • Switch back to tighty-whities. This will, of course, involve making sure that your whities stay tighty and don't get all stretched out and grey, allowing your sac the freedom to move about.
  • Tie a string to your balls, then just give a light tug whenever they're stuck.
  • There's always castration.
For any ladies who find this information disgusting and/or superfluous, my apologies. I figured it was either write about sweaty balls or write about Michael Jackson, and I've gotta say, I find sweaty balls a whole lot more pleasant.

Sweaty balls! Hilarious!!!
Hey, thanks, I...

Wait a second. Are you being ironic?
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