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Tuesday, June 07, 2005


Love, Exciting and New

I don't know about you, but I can just never get enough of celebrity journalism. I was glued to my television all day yesterday, waiting with baited breath for updates on the Russell Crowe situation. That poor, misunderstood man. When will hotel clerks just leave him and his phone alone? I'm also going to be taping the PrimeTime Live event tonight wherein hard-hitting reporter Diane Sawyer will ask the tough questions of Uber-Star Brad Pitt. I was sort of wavering on whether or not to watch this one, but then ABC's ads convinced me: "Brad Pitt. Diane Sawyer. Diane Sawyer. Brad Pitt. The television event that will make you ejaculate, guaranteed."

But no ongoing celebrity story has entranced me like the fairytale romance between beautiful, perky ingenue Katie Holmes and Acting God Tom Cruise. For years, Cruise has used his chameleon-like ability to immerse himself into every character he plays to plumb the depths of American males (and the occasional gay vampire). He's also used the bully pulpit of press junkets to promote his chosen faith, Scientology, which I've recently found out is a religion and not a cult, as some naysayers claim. Like the rest of the world, I've watched as he was seduced and used by Mimi Rogers, romanced and used by Nicole Kidman, spoken to in broken English and used by Penelope Cruz. Somehow, all along, I knew that none of them were truly right for Tom. Most of the relationships just felt...forced. None of them felt like the genuine article. Sure, Tom looked good with all of them. Sure, there were adopted kids and beach vacations. But things just didn't click in a way that would completely dispel the gay rumors.

Well, those rumors should be a thing of the past now that Tom has finally found his soul-mate. Taking a cue from his friend Michael Douglas and hooking up with a girl who was still sperm and eggs when he was old enough to drink legally, Tom has at last made a true love connection. And it shows. Oh, how it shows. From his head-over-heels interview with Oprah to her adoption of Scientology, all signs are that this love is forever. You can tell. It's in the way they hold hands in front of the media. It's in the way their publicists deny that the whole things is a cynical attempt to get press coverage when they both have films opening. To all the people who say that Cruise's Scientology overlords simply picked Holmes out of a starlet catalogue and cut and pasted her into his life, I offer the following proof that this one's going to last.
  • Holmes has gotten rid of all of her non-Scientologist friends and is apparently surrounded by Scientologists at all times. What better way to display your love than to immerse yourself in your lover's culture.
  • Which is why she's also moved Battlefield Earth to the top of her Netflix queue.
  • The couple is planning to wed immediately, as Cruise has said that every second that they're not completely bonded together is a second during which he's capable of taking a life.
  • Cruise told NBC's Katie Curic that he and Holmes are considering dual heart transplants, putting his heart in her body and vice versa. "That's how real our love is, Katie. Hey! You're name is Katie, too! That makes me think even more about my soul-mate! You should change your last name to Holmes, then you'd be almost perfect!" He then went on to do ten minutes of back-flips and cartwheels before making out with a picture of Holmes for an hour.
  • Cruise's agent has said that his client will now star only in movies in which Holmes also appears, because the torture of being on location without her would be too soul-shattering. Additionally, Cruise is paying to have all of his previous work altered, digitally inserting Holmes into all of his movies. Reached for comment, Dustin Hoffman said, "Well, I'm sure Katie will be a much better Rain Man than I was."
  • Holmes and Cruise have decided to combine their names upon their marriage to truly express their unity. After the wedding, the two will be known as Tom and Katie Crulmesuise.
I'm telling you: This is it. This one's going to last.

ach, a hottie with a promising career selling out to become some creepy dude's beard...
What happened to Russel Crowe?
Butterscotch, I'm disappointed. Are you SO busy with your studies that you don't have the time to watch E! Entertainment news?
I expect my readers to be a little more savvy about pointless bullshit than that!
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