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Monday, July 25, 2005

 

Alternate History in the Making

If there's one thing that I love, it's Alternate History books. Wow, I just dig 'em. I spend hour after hour on my couch, reading Harry Turtledove and...uh...Durtle Hairytove and whoever the hell the rest of those guys are. They're just fantastic. You see, they blend the imagination of a science fiction or fantasy book with the obsessive detail of a Civil War Re-enactment. Who wouldn't love that?

In case you're unfamiliar with the genre, the basic idea is that you take an historical event and you make a small tweak. Let's say that Brutus has a horrible bladder infection on the Ides of March and can't make it to kill Cesar. So Cesar lives and the Roman Empire never falls. Boom. One bladder infection and the entire course of history is changed. Or let's say that, instead of being a Quaker, Richard Nixon is a robot. So he's not filled with all the paranoia and doubt that the "historic" Nixon was, so he stays in office for his second term and, during that second term, he and his robot allies take over the world.

But, though I've been a fan of the genre for years and years, I've never tried writing one. I simply don't have the patience to sit in the library for hours and hours doing research. I think history's kind of dull. ("Real" history, that is.) But after reading a really great alternate history book about what might have happened had George Washington been left-handed instead of right-handed, I was moved to take a stab at it.

I still don't have the patience to do a lot of research, so I just kind of skimmed through a documentary on World War II that I DVR'd from the History Channel. (Very useful, that History Channel.) While my book may not have the attention to detail that you'd expect from, say, an alternate history by Newt Gingrich, I think the story and characters are nonetheless riveting.

What I've got here, then, is an excerpt from my new novel Reich Here, Reich Now. It's the story of what might have happened if General Patton had caught the clap from an English hooker. Instead of leading the troops on D-Day, he's in the bathroom, dealing with a painful discharge. America and her allies, subsequently, fail to liberate France and the Axis goes on to win World War II. The world as we know it is gone. Enjoy.

Hasselhoff walked down 42nd Street. He'd come to think of it as his street, and who could argue that point, really? He was finishing his first year as star of the smash hit Nazi, Get Your Gun. The cast recording was seemingly welded to the top of the charts and you couldn't spend any amount of time in public without hearing someone one the street singing, "Anything Jews can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than Jews."

The stormtroopers dashed past him, their white plastic uniforms clacking as they ran. They appeared to be chasing after two men who'd held hands on the street. It didn't matter to Hasselhoff. Nope, everything was sun-shiney in his mind.

Suddenly, a limousine squealed to a stop beside him. The door opened and a huge man got out. He grabbed Hasselhoff roughly and forced him inside. It happened so quickly that Hasselhoff didn't have time to recall any stage combat moves that might have helped him fight off his attacker. As the limo sped off down the street, Hasselhoff righted himself, sitting upright on the seat and taking in the situation.

A fat man sat across from him, wearing sunglasses. A woman sat next to him aiming a luger directly at his heart. Hasselhoff was not accustomed to being abducted and it didn't sit well with him. "I don't know who the hell you think you are, pal, but you just kidnapped your death warrant," he said defiantly.

The fat man said, "Son, mah name is Presley. This is my colleague, Tammy Wynette. We're part of an organization that doesn't much like the state of things in this country. We aim to change things. We want you to help."

I think the alternate history community is going to eat this one up with a spoon. I feel like a whole new career is lying ahead of me.

 

 
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