HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Friday, July 08, 2005Excelsior!
I'm so damned excited! Today, one of my all-time favorite comic books comes to the big screen after a long, long wait. I speak, of course, about...
The Fanatic Four! Four normal, politically moderate adventurers journey into space, where they encounter strange cosmic rays which change them into super-powered idealogues. Sue Storm is The Invincible Womyn Happy, buxom Sue becomes the embodiment of humorless feminism. Capable of finding offense when absolutely none is intended! Blessed with the ability to gripe endlessly about patriarchal oppression even when she looks down on minorities. Look out, world, 'cause she's perpetually crabby! Johnny Storm is The Human Burning Cross Young, idealistic Johnny is transformed into a racist asshole. Upon shouting "Blame on!" Johnny becomes a being of pure hot rage, directed at anybody who isn't the exact same ethnicity as himself, making them responsible, in his mind, for depriving him of all sorts of opportunities which he's actually too stupid to achieve. Reed Richards is Mr. Fanatic Incredibly intelligent Reed's DNA is altered, causing him to become a neo-con defender of the Bush administration's policies. He can stretch logic almost infinitely thin to "prove" a point. Mr. Fanatic uses his incredible intellect and rubbery ethics to invent spectacular new excuses for an out-of-control president. Ben Grimm is The Thin Jovial jock Ben is transformed into a health-obsessed jagoff who can overpower everyone around him with his relentless screeds on proper nutrition. Exercising 23 hours a day and receiving wheat-germ enemas twice weekly, Ben becomes the healthiest man on the planet, and the least tolerable to be around. Together, this pack of overbearing blowhards are out to prove that everybody on the planet is wrong except them. They are... The Fanatic Four!
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