HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, July 20, 2005Hairshirt Harlequin Horoscopes
I'm feeling a little lazy this week, so I'm going to let another writer do the speaking for me. I've decided this morning that, instead of writing specific predictions for every sign, I'm going to quote passages from my favorite romance novel, Unbridled Hearts by Kayla Sinclair. Unbridled Hearts is the story of Jade, a lawyer who inherits a ranch from her uncle. When Jade takes possession of the ranch, she turns to a grizzled cowboy, Stone, to figure out how to tame a herd of wild horses. Readers can figure out for themselves, from Ms. Sinclair's beautiful prose, what the stars have in store for them this week.
Aries: Jade looked over the ranch house, her eyes caressing every deer head, every ashtray. These things had belonged to her beloved Uncle Sancho. She closed her eyes and breathed in his memory. Taurus: The horse, which Jade immediately came to think of as "Magnifica", ran at the head of the herd, proud, wild and untamed, much like Jade herself. Gemini: "Listen, lady," said Stone as he put down the whiskey bottle and spat on the dirt floor, "I don't care who the hell you are, you don't come in my bunkhouse barkin' orders. Now why don't you take that cute New York butt of yours back to the city?" Cancer: Fear filled Jade's soul as the stampede thundered all around her. Was this how she was to die? Trampled to death by wild beasts so far from her beloved Lincoln Center? Leo: Jade awoke to a cool feeling on her forehead. She immediately sat up and saw that she was in a humble shack, an old Navajo woman sitting beside her. The crone eased Jade back down on the bed, saying, "You rest now, White Woman." Virgo: McQuincy sneered. "Look, you know and I know that you're never going to know anything about ranching. You should save yourself time and grief and just take our offer now. The next time we speak, when I'm betting you'll be a good deal more desperate, we might not be so generous." Libra: A shot rang out. The mirror on McQuincy's jeep exploded. Jade spun around to see Stone on the porch with his shotgun. He called out, "I think you'd best get your ass off Ms. Cleary's property, McQuincy. My aim's kinda wild and I wouldn't want to see you shot." Scorpio: Jade's nipples were erect now, aching for Stone to touch them. He stood up and undid his buckle. Jade gasped as he freed his manhood from his pants. Sagittarius: Jade rolled over and ran her fingers over Stone's hairy chest. "Nobody's ever loved me like that, Stone," she whispered. Stone turned away from her. "I know," he said. Capricorn: The smoke rose from the ashes of the ranch house. She felt as if her life, too, had just gone up in smoke. She was so lost in her reverie that she startled when Stone spoke. "McQuincy. That bastard's gonna pay." Aquarius: McQuincy lay on the ground, bloody. "Stone, no!" Jade screamed. He looked at her, blood dripping from his fists. His voice came in a husky rasp. "I done told you, Jade. I'm like them horses. I can't be tamed." Pisces: Tears welling in her eyes, Jade stammered, "What are you doing in New York, Stone?" Stone tossed his cigarette to the sidewalk and ground it out with his boot. "I realized I'd gotten to like wearing a saddle, Jade. You feel like going for a ride?"
Comments:
I'm confused. I like my horoscope to be clear: buy a Diet Coke today, you will win the DVD player, or something like that. Thanks.
Unfortunately I've never seen a cute New York butt in my life. The only American ones were from Phoenix, Arizona.
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