HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: A trip to the dentist will reveal that you've got a tiny little demon living in you mouth who likes to drink schnapps and sounds exactly like Oprah Winfrey. It's possible that your dentist is on acid.
Taurus: As a conservative who doesn't believe America needs to do anything about global warming, you spend this week marveling at how much faster it is to get a tan these days. Gemini: You don't need to feel like a freak. Everybody picks their nose. Just don't put it in your hair after. Cancer: You find more and more people staring at your breasts today. That's because you left the house without a shirt. Again. Leo: Elton John's Don't Go Breaking My Heart is running through your mind incessantly today. Sadly, the only way you're ever going to get it out of your head is to hunt Elton down and beat him with his own rhinestone-studded underwear. Virgo: Be careful today, as there is a good chance that you'll step in something disgusting on the street, then have to spend an hour and a half digging it out of the treads of your shoe and scraping it on the sidewalk with a twig. Libra: An overheard conversation in which someone compliments your looks will lead to a horrifically embarrassing episode in which you put your tongue in the mouth of someone who really doesn't want it there. It's all very Three's Company. Scorpio: Yes, summer barbecuing is fun, but ice cream does not benefit from a "couple minutes on the grill". Sagittarius: The outfit you've picked out for your blind date this evening is mostly really good. You might want to get an objective opinion on the moon boots. Capricorn: Special to Capricorn Karl Rove: Karmically, you are so very, very fucked. Aquarius: Your current drive to gain financial wisdom will probably lead you to rethink your frequent use of prostitutes. Pisces: You need to stop viewing the high score you achieved on Tapper in 1984 as the apex of your life's achievement.
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