HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, July 27, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: This is a great day to curl up in a nice cool room and read a good book. Or, in your case, some porn.
Taurus: This week, your life seems like an episode of 227. Sadly, you're neither Marla Gibbs, nor Jackee. You're really more like the old lady who sat in her window all day. Gemini: Your anxiety over keeping your children safe in our increasingly dangerous world is understandable. There are, though, better ways than gluing them into their beds. Cancer: No matter how much you try, you will never be the Girl from Ipanema, unless you're willing to move and to have your nuts chopped off. Leo: This week, you're all about the pancakes. Virgo: Your crush on Donald Rumsfeld only grows stronger after his macho trek to Tajikistan. Libra: This week sees you dancing to a Salsa beat. Wait, sorry, I got that wrong. This week sees you spilling salsa on your pants. Scorpio: Like the deadly creature for whom your sign is named, people will fear and shun you this week. This will not be so much because you have a poisonous, stinging tail as because you don't wash your feet. Sagittarius: Jesus loves you, this I know. For the bible tells me so. It also tells me that people can turn into pillars of salt just for looking behind them, but let's not dwell on that now. Capricorn: You receive a call from an old friend. A drunk old friend at two in the morning. Man, you need to get some new old friends. Aquarius: You're feeling like people expect you to be Lucy when you're Peppermint Patty on the inside. Basically, you need to face up to the fact that Charles Schulz is dead and find a new metaphor for your life. Perhaps Funky Winkerbean. Pisces: While most people would agree with you that tuna is delicious, fewer people share your view that it makes a good hat.
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