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Thursday, July 21, 2005


Here Comes the Judge

So John Roberts. All this talk about, "He's gonna nominate a woman"; "He's gonna nominate a Latino"; "He's gonna nominate a gay, paraplegic Inuit." Nope. He nominated another conservative white guy. Shocking. How's this going to affect our country? Well, it ain't gonna be good if you're a liberal non-Christian. Although, we'll definitely be seeing less french-fry eating on our nation's mass transit.

But we need to get beyond the ridiculous bullshit about how Roberts is going to send us back to the era of the Salem Witch Trials with his conservative decisions and get to the heart of who he is as a person. Which is why the well-connected buggers at Hairshirt have, once again, beaten the rest of the journalistic world to the punch with an exclusive.

Many people saw Roberts and his happy, dancey family return home after the press conference where the president smirked his announcement. What they didn't see was that, the second Roberts went into his house, he was met by a Hairshirt reporter, who had the Nominee fill out...the Hairshirt Questionnaire.

Name: John G. Roberts.

Nicknames: J-Ro; Whitey; Judge Cracka; Christy Goderson; Mr. Bigcock (only used by my wife in the bounds of holy matrimony).

Hobbies: Pinochle; stamp-collecting; overturning things; light bondage.

Favorite song: Baby Got Back.

Last good book read: Harry Potter and the Illegal French Fry

Pet peeves: Abortion; gay marriage; privacy laws; things that stand in the way of successful business; whiney terrorist prisoners; judicial activism.

If I could be anybody in the world, I'd be...: A marshmallow taster.

I have never...: Gone naked under my judicial robes. (But there's always a first time.)

Turn-ons: Good Jell-O Salad; gavelling; Pat Boone music.

Turn-offs: The Senate.

Someday, I want to...: Seated at the right hand of God, judging the shit out of people.

So there you have it. It sounds to me like this guy is perfect for the job. He'll bring the perfect amount of diversity to our judiciary: absolutely none. Plus, do we really need all of those "constitutionally-protected freedoms"? I think not. Let's just hope that Roberts can get a fair hearing. (That is, of course, using Bush's definition of "fair", in which no tough questions are asked and he's just rubber-stamped on into office.)