HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Friday, July 01, 2005Oh, Shit
I'd been hopeful, over the last four-plus years--rather in the manner of a Jenga player--that the Supreme Court, delicately balanced--much like a tower of Jenga logs--would be able to maintain its tenuous position until Bush was out of the White House. This was, I suppose, a little absurdly hopeful, when you think of it. I mean, they're mostly old as hell and a lot of them have cancer or gout or artificial hips or what have you, so it was really just a matter of time. Still, I wanted to think it was a matter of enough time. Nope.
What the hell is wrong with O'Connor, anyway? She has to know that Freedom of Choice is going to be up on the chopping block, and she's always been on the right side of that issue. Couldn't she hold off for a bit? It's not like it's that fucking tough of a job. If she was loading and unloading cinder blocks at her age, maybe I'd say she should pack it in. But she's sitting on her ass behind a bench all day. They only work for, what, a few months out of the year. She couldn't continue to sit on her ass part-time for the rest of Bush's term? So now the question comes up, who's that retard gonna pick? There's already names being floated, including Samuel Alito, a guy who's been sitting on the Third Circuit Court of Appeals since Bush's dad put him there. That can't be good. Also being talked about is Emilio Garza, who Reagan put on the District Court of Western Texas in his second term. These guys are worrisome, as is pretty much anybody that Bush might want on the court. That's why I'm thinking we need to start doing this differently. I say from here on out the American people need to have a greater say in who gets to sit on the highest court in the land. So I'm thinking what we need to do is, instead of having Bush pick whoever the hell he wants, Americans should get to give him a list of people who we would find acceptable and he's got to choose someone from that list. Sound good? I think so, too. Here's my list: Charo. She seemed so wise on all of those Love Boat appearances. She would maintain the gender balance, as well as being the first Latina ever to sit on the court. Plus, how could anyone argue with a majority opinion that ends in "Coochie-coochie!"? Judge Joe Brown. That man does not put up with any shit in his courtroom. Tom Cruise. Apparently, Tom is all-knowing. We need someone like that on the bench; someone who knows everything about every subject and isn't afraid to call you on your mental shortcomings. Also, he'd be the first justice that America has seen in tighty-whities. Clone of Thurgood Marshall. Let's face it, justices haven't been getting any better over the last few decades. Why not bring back one that we know works? Satan. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Wouldn't God be a better choice?" I don't think so. With God, you've got all the "separation of church and state" issues. You run into less of that with the Prince of Darkness, and you have the same amount of moral certainty. Whatever side Satan comes down on, you just have everybody else vote opposite. This might be the clearest-thinking court we've ever had. Bill Clinton. Since he can't be president again, why not? He's popular. And it'd be really funny to watch him try to get into Ruth Bader Ginsburg's robe. Osama Bin Laden. Now, just hear me out: We nominate him and get him confirmed, then he's got to show up for work, right? But when he does, we take him into custody. He would be so pissed. Bunson Honeydew. He's the smartest of the Muppets. George W. Bush. A risky plan, I admit, but it would get him the fuck out of the White House. I think one of these people should be acceptable to the American people. Here's hoping the government has the wisdom to see how perfect my new way of doing things is.
Comments:
As they are probably looking for a white guy: How about Michael Jackson? He knows how to win trials after all.
Joe, today you almost made diet coke come out of *my* nose. Your blog is yummy goodness.
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