HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Saturday, July 09, 2005A Short Story Written By Looking Around the Room
George W. Bush was melancholy. Even his favorite beaded necklace wasn't picking up his spirits. He'd started reading the book Shoeless Joe, by W.P. Kinsella, but just couldn't get into it. He put it back on top of the television and grabbed his cat toy. He didn't have a cat, he just liked shaking the cat toy around. He briefly considered huffing some Windex, then abandoned the idea as unworthy of the leader of the free world.
He wished he could be more like Spider-Man or The Flash, who always seemed on top of things. Even in rest, they seemed ready for action. But he, George, was not a superhero. For one thing, he looked awful in spandex. Not that he was fat or anything, it just made his ass look huge. He wished he could hang out with his friends Jesus and Sumo, but they were in New York, visiting the Statue of Liberty. Maybe a concert would take his mind off of things. He could have somebody come to the White House and play just for him. A command performance. What good was being president if you didn't order people around every once in awhile? Who should he command? The Beta Band? Nah, they broke up. Edith Piaf, Miles Davis, Mozart, Tommy Dorsey and Johnny Cash were all dead. Perhaps The Who, Fountains of Wayne or the Shins? He'd invite U2 to play, but he didn't like that Bono. The Beastie Boys leaned pretty far left, too. And Outkast just scared him. Too much to think about. To hell with music. There was laundry to be done. Hey! That'd make a nice surprise for Laura. If she came home and he'd washed all of her clothes? Pretty darn nice president, huh? Except that he'd never washed any clothes before. He'd always had a maid to do that. He didn't know what all those knobs on the washer were for. It kind of scared him. He had a lot of shoes. Maybe he could spend the afternoon pretending he was a shoe model. He could walk back and forth in the Oval Office, dazzling everyone with his shoes. But that wouldn't be fun unless he had an actual audience. So he called a cabinet meeting. And everyone was impressed with his shoes.
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