Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Hairshirt Back-to-School Horoscope
Aries: Not one, but two awesome frats want you to pledge them! Which means you're twice the status-sucking brainless jagoff, I guess.
Taurus: Thanks to No Child Left Behind, you will spend your entire fourth grade year nauseatingly anxious about a standardized test. Thanks, George Bush!
Gemini: Your worries about the shifting interpersonal dynamics within your peer group are unfounded, if understandable. Be comforted by the fact that your common educational purpose will tend to override any conflicting worldviews. Third grade is going to be awesome.
Cancer: After you're dumped by your girlfriend from last year, your parents try to comfort you by reminding you that, when you get to college in two years, you'll meet all kinds of girls who'll appreciate you more for yourself. They're full of shit. You won't be getting laid much in college, either.
Leo: Faced with the prospect of having to find a job when you get your BA next spring, you decide to spend every day of your last year in college stoned. Good call!
Virgo: You spend all night trying to come up with a great response to that fifth-grade bully's teasing. May I suggest calling him a "fat poophead"? If you think about it, it works on a number of levels.
Libra: The highlight of your seventh grade year will be when you forget to bring a change of shoes and have to walk around all day in your moon boots. That's right, I said that would be the highlight. Seventh grade blows.
Scorpio: Strangely, nobody will "get" the hilarious comic strip you write this year for your high school paper. That's probably because there's no "humor" or "wit" in it. Because you "suck".
Sagittarius: You get a good indication of what life is going to be like in the dorms in your first week, when your roommate spends two hours speaking baby-talk to his girlfriend back home.
Capricorn: When the cliquishness at your high school gets to be too much and you can't stand to be around a bunch of phony posers, it's good to know you can always find comfort in binging and purging.
Aquarius: Your first year on campus will prove exciting, but confusing, as exposure to new ideas and new people challenge your preexisting viewpoints. Hang in there, professor, you'll be tenured soon enough.
Pisces: Now that you're a high school senior, you make a vow to party like crazy and just enjoy this last year with your friends. Which would be a great plan if it weren't for the fact that you're going to get mono in about a week and end up in bed for a couple of months.