HAIRSHIRT

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Now that you've gotten older, it's time for you to find a better way to spend your time than surfing all day. Face facts: you live in Salt Lake City and you haven't caught a wave higher than a foot and a half in ten years of trying.

Taurus: Special One-Time Only Optimistic Hairshirt Horoscope for Taureans: Everything's going to turn out well.

Gemini: You're going to have to face some unpleasant realities today. Sorry, I misread the stars for a second there; actually, you're going to face some unpleasant realtors today. Might want to apartment hunt on Craig's List instead.

Cancer: Don't let your poor performance at the box office this past weekend weigh too heavily on your mind. Yeah, it probably means you'll get put back behind the concession stand, but you'll get another shot, someday.

Leo: You're feeling naughty and a bit sexy at work this morning because you decided not to wear underwear today. Then you realize that you also forgot to wear pants. Oh, Leo, Leo, Leo.

Virgo: It's good of you to want to donate something to victims of the hurricane, but they probably don't need your Precious Moments figurines.

Libra: The next time you feel like kicking yourself, just go ahead and do it. Go on, give yourself a nice little boot enema. Let's see if you can put a really interesting bruise on your own ass.

Scorpio: If you don't get some breath mints soon, the EPA is going to declare your mouth a Superfund site.

Sagittarius: This year, you will celebrate Labor Day by working.

Capricorn: Tonight, you will awake at 2:00 AM in a cold sweat, horrified by the realization that you actually prefer raspberry jam to strawberry.

Aquarius: You can say that it's part of your protest against the war all you want, but the truth is that there's just no good reason to wear socks and sandals.

Pisces: You are practically trembling with excitement about the opening this weekend of Transporter 2, starring Jason Statham. You're just a little bit retarded, aren't you?

posted by Joe # 9:22 AM

Comments:

Holy shit, Joe!
Didn't we make a blood pact during the closing credits of "The Transporter" that if there was ever a sequel to that mind-blowing piece of cinema, that we would see it together ON OPENING NIGHT!?

You're either coming to Ohio or I'm going to NYC.

Fucking blood pacts.
--K

# posted by

Anonymous : 12:03 PM

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Hairshirt Horoscope

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		Wednesday, August 31, 2005 Hairshirt Horoscope Aries: Now that you've gotten older, it's time for you to find a better way to spend your time than surfing all day. Face facts: you live in Salt Lake City and you haven't caught a wave higher than a foot and a half in ten years of trying. Taurus: Special One-Time Only Optimistic Hairshirt Horoscope for Taureans: Everything's going to turn out well. Gemini: You're going to have to face some unpleasant realities today. Sorry, I misread the stars for a second there; actually, you're going to face some unpleasant realtors today. Might want to apartment hunt on Craig's List instead. Cancer: Don't let your poor performance at the box office this past weekend weigh too heavily on your mind. Yeah, it probably means you'll get put back behind the concession stand, but you'll get another shot, someday. Leo: You're feeling naughty and a bit sexy at work this morning because you decided not to wear underwear today. Then you realize that you also forgot to wear pants. Oh, Leo, Leo, Leo. Virgo: It's good of you to want to donate something to victims of the hurricane, but they probably don't need your Precious Moments figurines. Libra: The next time you feel like kicking yourself, just go ahead and do it. Go on, give yourself a nice little boot enema. Let's see if you can put a really interesting bruise on your own ass. Scorpio: If you don't get some breath mints soon, the EPA is going to declare your mouth a Superfund site. Sagittarius: This year, you will celebrate Labor Day by working. Capricorn: Tonight, you will awake at 2:00 AM in a cold sweat, horrified by the realization that you actually prefer raspberry jam to strawberry. Aquarius: You can say that it's part of your protest against the war all you want, but the truth is that there's just no good reason to wear socks and sandals. Pisces: You are practically trembling with excitement about the opening this weekend of Transporter 2, starring Jason Statham. You're just a little bit retarded, aren't you? posted by Joe # 9:22 AM Comments: Holy shit, Joe! Didn't we make a blood pact during the closing credits of "The Transporter" that if there was ever a sequel to that mind-blowing piece of cinema, that we would see it together ON OPENING NIGHT!? You're either coming to Ohio or I'm going to NYC. Fucking blood pacts. --K # posted by Anonymous : 12:03 PM Post a Comment << Home		Links The Conversation Special Productions Izzle Pfaff Freida Bee Sometimes I Just Talk Alisa and the Stuff Alisa Does Tuna Girl Defective Yeti The Incurable Insomniac The Savvy, The Extreme and The Idealist Caballito del Diablo The Ambivalence of Open Spaces Bug-Eyed Blog Whiskeymarie Version 53 Things I've Noticed (S)wine: ShortLeanCuts Out of Tune Missives from the Beige Sister of Hairshirt Apostrophe Abuse Jonestown Tobacco Brunette The Public Intellectual That's Why Archives July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 March 2011 April 2011