Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Aries: Now that you've gotten older, it's time for you to find a better way to spend your time than surfing all day. Face facts: you live in Salt Lake City and you haven't caught a wave higher than a foot and a half in ten years of trying.
Taurus: Special One-Time Only Optimistic Hairshirt Horoscope for Taureans: Everything's going to turn out well.
Gemini: You're going to have to face some unpleasant realities today. Sorry, I misread the stars for a second there; actually, you're going to face some unpleasant realtors today. Might want to apartment hunt on Craig's List instead.
Cancer: Don't let your poor performance at the box office this past weekend weigh too heavily on your mind. Yeah, it probably means you'll get put back behind the concession stand, but you'll get another shot, someday.
Leo: You're feeling naughty and a bit sexy at work this morning because you decided not to wear underwear today. Then you realize that you also forgot to wear pants. Oh, Leo, Leo, Leo.
Virgo: It's good of you to want to donate something to victims of the hurricane, but they probably don't need your Precious Moments figurines.
Libra: The next time you feel like kicking yourself, just go ahead and do it. Go on, give yourself a nice little boot enema. Let's see if you can put a really interesting bruise on your own ass.
Scorpio: If you don't get some breath mints soon, the EPA is going to declare your mouth a Superfund site.
Sagittarius: This year, you will celebrate Labor Day by working.
Capricorn: Tonight, you will awake at 2:00 AM in a cold sweat, horrified by the realization that you actually prefer raspberry jam to strawberry.
Aquarius: You can say that it's part of your protest against the war all you want, but the truth is that there's just no good reason to wear socks and sandals.
Pisces: You are practically trembling with excitement about the opening this weekend of Transporter 2, starring Jason Statham. You're just a little bit retarded, aren't you?
Holy shit, Joe!
Didn't we make a blood pact during the closing credits of "The Transporter" that if there was ever a sequel to that mind-blowing piece of cinema, that we would see it together ON OPENING NIGHT!?
You're either coming to Ohio or I'm going to NYC.
Fucking blood pacts.
chinese astrology 2005 info is so cheesy but we were looking at it anyway...why i dont know. I guess it is fun to play around online. Anyway, I saw your chinese astrology 2005 posts and though it was cool...Alright, well...have a great night, I am back to chinese astrology 2005 surfing LOL : )Post a Comment