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Tuesday, August 02, 2005


Ohio--The Heart of it All!

Greetings from sunny Ohio!

I'm taking advantage of my summer break to spend some time with my family in the Buckeye State. For those who are unaware, Ohio is called the Buckeye State because during the Civil War, Union colonels looking to motivate their troops decided to pay the soldiers for every rebel they killed. The bonus was two dollars per dead rebel. Acceptable proof of the kill was both of the rebel's eyes. Rumor has it that the Kennedy family's fortune started when JFK's great-grandfather, Ezekiel Kennedy, found a bag of eyes lying in the forest and claimed them as his own.

Ohio has three world-class cities: Cleveland, Columbus and Cincinnati. Pretty odd that they all start with "C", right? Actually, not a coincidence. In 1895, the state legislature decided that Ohio's largest cities should put on a unified front. They figured the best way to do this was in an alliterative manner. The state senate voted 109-0 to change the names of Nincinnatti and Bolumbus and the rest is history. Many scholars believe that the state legislature drank a lot in the 1890s.

Ohio is the only state to have had a chimpanzee as governor. This was during the "Chimpanzee Fad" of the 1950s. Bobo ran as a republican and trounced democrat Michael DiSalle. Sadly, he was impeached midway through his term, after it was found out that he had misappropriated funds.

A fact not too widely known is that Ohio was not officially a state until 1987. The paperwork necessary for statehood was thought to have been completed in 1803, but it came to light in 1986 that someone had forgotten to fill out the back of one of the pages, on which Ohio needed to have listed three other states as references. Apparently, Ohio meant to complete it, but had a couple of beers while trying to figure out who it should ask and then just forgot about it when it was time to mail it in.

Many people born in Ohio have gone on to international prominence, among them Steven Spielberg, John Glenn, Bob Hope and Adolph Hitler. Hitler never actually lived in Ohio, he was just born here while his parents were on a trip to Amish country near Orrville.

Ohio is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (in Cleveland), the Football Hall of Fame (in Canton) and the Dirty Hippie Hall of Fame (in Yellow Springs). Additionally, an executive order from Governor Richard Celeste in 1983 mandated that every town and city with a population of over 4 had to have its own hall of fame. I am in the Berlin Center Hall of Fame in recognition of the time I found twenty bucks in a parking lot. It's not that exciting a place, Berlin Center.

Not many people know that Ohio is the porn capital of the midwest. More watersports films are shot in Ohio than in every other state in the union combined.

So, if you get a chance, come see one of the most underappreciated states in the country. And make sure to stop in at Chillicothe, home of the world's largest litterbox, capable of taking the dung of 1000 cats at a time!

Maybe the name of the state should be changed to Cohio? So Cadolph Chitler was born there? I thought he was from Caustria?
How did you even post that last story? Did you find a way to harness cow methane for electricity, or did you bring in a steam-powered laptop?

I am surprised that you failed to mention that Ohio is also the Mother of Shitty and/or Died-While-in-Office Presidents! Ohio presidents couldn't even get assassinated correctly!

The roll call, in no particular order:

Wm Henry Harrison, elected from Ohio, died within a month of his inauguration, a ceremony during which he decided he didn't need to wear a coat despite the January weather. And this guy was our best and brightest?

Benjamin Harrison, grandson of the Iceman, was the first guy to lose the popular election and still win the office! His turn-ons included: overspending and destroying surplusses! This guy was so bad, that at the end of his term, for the first and only time in history, America pulled a "what were we thinking?" and promptly re-elected the incumbent that Benji had toppled four years earlier.

James A. "JAG" Garfield was shot by crazy-as-fuck Charles J. Guiteau within four months of taking office. He suffered for two unproductive months and then died.

U.S. Grant, a raging alcoholic war hero, needed a 3:1 advantage to beat Lee. With that sharp strategic mind, voters thought, he should be president! This is similar thinking to: "Does he have some DUIs? Has he done coke? Does he love Jesus? HE should be president!" Grant's greatest accomplishment was surviving four years of being stoned without OD'ing.

Warren G. Harding is almost unanimously chosen as the worst non-Nixon president in history. With more scandals than even Grant could juggle, Harding's guilt rode him so hard that he, of course, DIED IN OFFICE.

William Howard Taft, the most rotund president, has the distinction of his last name being an anagram for Fat-T, which was coincidentally his presidential limo vanity plate.

Rutherford B. Hayes? Can anyone prove he really existed? This guy constantly battles with Millard Fillmore and Franklin Pierce for "Most Obscure President."

Bill McKinley didn't even complete a year in office, as deranged anarchist Leon Czolgosz shot him at a big world exposition in Buffalo. Dude lived eight more days, but died from complications of fair fries and vinegar leaking through into his peritoneal cavity.

Right now, I know all you Buckeyes are beaming with pride, relishing in what your statesmen have done for our country. It's probably a similiar feeling that the Texans have right about now.

Sorry for the rambling history lesson, but I've been alive for all of it, so I thought I'd share.

Wish I had of read this before I drove through Ohio for the first time...
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