Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, August 17, 2005


Return of the Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Try not to spend so much time this week riding the velvet hippo through the purple redwood forest. Oh, and take less acid.

Taurus: Setting aside any argument about the "cuteness" of a particular pair of shoes, you need to ask yourself if it's in any way a good idea to wear something that makes your feet bleed.

Gemini: Your ambitious summer reading program seems to be a bit off track. Don't beat yourself up about it; just start giving yourself credit for your non-traditional reading. For example, you've read enough porn mags in the last month to sprain your corneas. Celebrate that!

Cancer: You get a call this week from an old friend you haven't heard from in awhile. I'm using the word "friend" in a loose enough context to include people who work at collection agencies.

Leo: You're frustrated this week that IMDB won't give you an acting credit for that time you walked by when they were filming a scene for Elektra and you could see your elbow in one shot. That was cool.

Virgo: The world is not ready yet for your awesome new high-speed ass hair-removal system.

Libra: Despite your daily letters to the network brass, that talk show you feel Donny "Ralph Malph" Most so richly deserves isn't on the fall TV schedule. Keep writing, chief. They'll listen to you someday.

Scorpio: You need to re-think your whole "getting laid" strategy. Apparently, inviting a guy over so the two of you can cry to Edith Piaf records just isn't sexy enough. Maybe if you fed him a fruit and cottage cheese blend?

Sagittarius: Jesus loves you. But in a friend kind of way.

Capricorn: That protesting mom outside of Bush's Crawford ranch is really pissing you off this week. I mean, what'd she do that got the press interested? Her son died; big whoop. Breaking the world record for most Ravioli-Os eaten in a one hour period like you did? That's an accomplishment.

Aquarius: Tonight, you'll have that awful, awful dream wherein you show up at your Philosophy 101 class not realizing that there's a final you haven't studied for. Then you'll wake up in the crack house and be incredibly relieved.

Pisces: This week, you invent a fantastic new cocktail. The only real hitch is coming up with a hip name for bourbon, grapefruit juice and Sanka.