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Thursday, September 22, 2005

Father Dowling Wasn't No Sissy

According to today's New York Times, the Vatican is planning on sending church officials to visit seminaries all over the United States in attempt to enforce its ban on homosexuals in the clergy. The officials will be attempting to weed out any gays before they are confirmed into the priesthood. The reasoning behind this, the Times says, is that homosexuals cannot be trusted to stay celibate, especially in the seminaries themselves which one cardinal describes as, "like just this huge smorgasbord of ass."

Debate rages, with those opposed to this inquisition--you should pardon the expression--saying that, if the church attempts to ban homosexuals from serving, gay priests will simply go deeper into the closet. Father Francis Gonzalez of the Baltimore archdiocese comments, "I mean, how you gonna catch these guys? It's not like they're blowing each other on the altar."

How you gonna catch them, indeed. Hairshirt put this question to our insiders at the Vatican, who sent us a copy of a list of "tells" that officials will be looking for when interviewing seminarians. That list includes:

Wearing of an assless frock.
Hanging a "Hunks of the FDNY" calendar on your dorm wall.
Asking the interviewer if he'd "...like to have butt sex."
Revealing that, if you ever became pontiff, you'd choose the name "Pope Giggles the Fabulous."
Being a little too knowledgeable about the second-through-fourth seasons of Will & Grace.
Including the phrase, "Lord, let me get just one shot at Freddie Prinze, Jr." in your prayers.
Showing no interest in molesting altargirls.
Being "...a little too buff for a priest, if you get my meaning."
Crying when Beaches is shown at the weekly seminary movie.
Not really caring who wins the Notre Dame game on Sundays.

Personally, I think this crack team of Papal lieutenants is going to have no problem ridding the American Catholic Church of gays and making Roman Catholicism safe place once again for defenseless little boys.

posted by Joe # 5:54 PM

Comments:

This is very informative. I hope to see more in the near future

# posted by

Anonymous : 9:35 AM

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Father Dowling Wasn't No Sissy

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		Thursday, September 22, 2005 Father Dowling Wasn't No Sissy According to today's New York Times, the Vatican is planning on sending church officials to visit seminaries all over the United States in attempt to enforce its ban on homosexuals in the clergy. The officials will be attempting to weed out any gays before they are confirmed into the priesthood. The reasoning behind this, the Times says, is that homosexuals cannot be trusted to stay celibate, especially in the seminaries themselves which one cardinal describes as, "like just this huge smorgasbord of ass." Debate rages, with those opposed to this inquisition--you should pardon the expression--saying that, if the church attempts to ban homosexuals from serving, gay priests will simply go deeper into the closet. Father Francis Gonzalez of the Baltimore archdiocese comments, "I mean, how you gonna catch these guys? It's not like they're blowing each other on the altar." How you gonna catch them, indeed. Hairshirt put this question to our insiders at the Vatican, who sent us a copy of a list of "tells" that officials will be looking for when interviewing seminarians. That list includes: Wearing of an assless frock. Hanging a "Hunks of the FDNY" calendar on your dorm wall. Asking the interviewer if he'd "...like to have butt sex." Revealing that, if you ever became pontiff, you'd choose the name "Pope Giggles the Fabulous." Being a little too knowledgeable about the second-through-fourth seasons of Will & Grace. Including the phrase, "Lord, let me get just one shot at Freddie Prinze, Jr." in your prayers. Showing no interest in molesting altargirls. Being "...a little too buff for a priest, if you get my meaning." Crying when Beaches is shown at the weekly seminary movie. Not really caring who wins the Notre Dame game on Sundays. Personally, I think this crack team of Papal lieutenants is going to have no problem ridding the American Catholic Church of gays and making Roman Catholicism safe place once again for defenseless little boys. posted by Joe # 5:54 PM Comments: This is very informative. I hope to see more in the near future # posted by Anonymous : 9:35 AM Post a Comment << Home		Links The Conversation Special Productions Izzle Pfaff Freida Bee Sometimes I Just Talk Alisa and the Stuff Alisa Does Tuna Girl Defective Yeti The Incurable Insomniac The Savvy, The Extreme and The Idealist Caballito del Diablo The Ambivalence of Open Spaces Bug-Eyed Blog Whiskeymarie Version 53 Things I've Noticed (S)wine: ShortLeanCuts Out of Tune Missives from the Beige Sister of Hairshirt Apostrophe Abuse Jonestown Tobacco Brunette The Public Intellectual That's Why Archives July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 March 2011 April 2011