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Thursday, September 22, 2005


Father Dowling Wasn't No Sissy

According to today's New York Times, the Vatican is planning on sending church officials to visit seminaries all over the United States in attempt to enforce its ban on homosexuals in the clergy. The officials will be attempting to weed out any gays before they are confirmed into the priesthood. The reasoning behind this, the Times says, is that homosexuals cannot be trusted to stay celibate, especially in the seminaries themselves which one cardinal describes as, "like just this huge smorgasbord of ass."

Debate rages, with those opposed to this inquisition--you should pardon the expression--saying that, if the church attempts to ban homosexuals from serving, gay priests will simply go deeper into the closet. Father Francis Gonzalez of the Baltimore archdiocese comments, "I mean, how you gonna catch these guys? It's not like they're blowing each other on the altar."

How you gonna catch them, indeed. Hairshirt put this question to our insiders at the Vatican, who sent us a copy of a list of "tells" that officials will be looking for when interviewing seminarians. That list includes:
  • Wearing of an assless frock.
  • Hanging a "Hunks of the FDNY" calendar on your dorm wall.
  • Asking the interviewer if he'd " to have butt sex."
  • Revealing that, if you ever became pontiff, you'd choose the name "Pope Giggles the Fabulous."
  • Being a little too knowledgeable about the second-through-fourth seasons of Will & Grace.
  • Including the phrase, "Lord, let me get just one shot at Freddie Prinze, Jr." in your prayers.
  • Showing no interest in molesting altargirls.
  • Being "...a little too buff for a priest, if you get my meaning."
  • Crying when Beaches is shown at the weekly seminary movie.
  • Not really caring who wins the Notre Dame game on Sundays.
Personally, I think this crack team of Papal lieutenants is going to have no problem ridding the American Catholic Church of gays and making Roman Catholicism safe place once again for defenseless little boys.

This is very informative. I hope to see more in the near future
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