Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Find Your Happy Place

And on it goes.

The people, for the most part, have been evacuated from New Orleans. The danger, for the most part, has passed. But still, more and more depressing news is coming from the Gulf Coast. From an Oprah segment about the animals left behind to the grandstanding of fuckbag "journalists" to the president's snooty beyatch of a mother, we've still got plenty of stuff coming out hour by hour to anger and depress us.

Which is why we at Hairshirt are more concerned than ever about boosting people's happiness. Scientists at the Hairshirt Institute for Groovy Moods and Smiles have been working overtime to find ways to improve the national mood. Their study found a handful of concrete methods guaranteed to make a person feel a least a little bit better about the world and their place in it.

An unabridged paper on their findings will be published in the New England Journal of Medicine next quarter. Look for it on a newsstand near you. In the meantime, here is a brief summary of things to do when feeling overwhelmed by the unrelentingly bleak news from the Gulf States, Iraq or the Supreme Court hearings.
  • Pie--The study showed that people's moods were elevated by a minimum of 12 H/P (Happy Points) when the subjects consumed any sort of pie. Except Rhubarb.
  • Feathers--A number of participants in the study showed an increase of 7-10 H/P when they tickled their genitalia with feathers. This particular method of mood elevation is not suggested for people driving or teaching pre-school.
  • Medication--A startling 87% of people participating in the study were made to feel better when properly medicated. The medicines used in the study were brandy, Viagra and pot. The study's authors caution that all three medicines should not be administered at once.
  • Mel--An average improvement of 5 H/P was achieved when subjects were exposed to creative output from Mel Brooks or Mel Torme. Note: Subjects showed a change of -11 H/P when watching movies from Mel Gibson, specifically Bird on a Wire and The Passion of the Christ.
  • Flush--In a bold experiment, subjects saw an increase of 20 H/P when they fashioned scale model replicas of President Bush made of bathroom tissue, placed the replicas in the toilet, urinated on them and then flushed.
  • Shoes--52% of subjects in the study showed marked improvement in mood (ranging from 2-32 H/P) when they treated themselves to new shoes. Interestingly, none of these subjects had testicles.
  • Peanuts--Researchers found an increase of 8 H/P when subjects danced to the "Linus & Lucy" theme from Peanuts.
  • Wife--One participant in the study, incredibly, tripled his H/P when his wife returned from out of town. This, of course, is far from a universal outcome.

my happy points were decreased when someone stole my pie...alas
Does this pie factor include deep- fried Hostess pies, peddled by the ever-jovial Fruit Pie the Magician?

I think that Fruit Pie the Magician's best trick was making all traces of nutrients disappear from within his very own body.

Here's the big problem: He's a friendly character, so you like him. Yet he's basically BEGGING you to EAT HIM (or one of his kind).

So is he a sick, demented fuck like Twinkie the Kid (the nefarious rider of the golden sponge) or is he really a confectionery Christ, saying "Eat this, my body, in rememberance of me?"

None of this matters, I'm just looking for your take on this...
If you raise Fruit Pie to the level of messiah, then you'd have to do the same thing to those freaking M&Ms, Mayor McCheese, and the Burger King chickens...Where would it end?
Mmmmm... Pie...
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