Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Find Your Happy Place
And on it goes.
The people, for the most part, have been evacuated from New Orleans. The danger, for the most part, has passed. But still, more and more depressing news is coming from the Gulf Coast. From an Oprah segment about the animals left behind to the grandstanding of fuckbag "journalists" to the president's snooty beyatch of a mother, we've still got plenty of stuff coming out hour by hour to anger and depress us.
Which is why we at Hairshirt are more concerned than ever about boosting people's happiness. Scientists at the Hairshirt Institute for Groovy Moods and Smiles have been working overtime to find ways to improve the national mood. Their study found a handful of concrete methods guaranteed to make a person feel a least a little bit better about the world and their place in it.
An unabridged paper on their findings will be published in the New England Journal of Medicine next quarter. Look for it on a newsstand near you. In the meantime, here is a brief summary of things to do when feeling overwhelmed by the unrelentingly bleak news from the Gulf States, Iraq or the Supreme Court hearings.
Does this pie factor include deep- fried Hostess pies, peddled by the ever-jovial Fruit Pie the Magician?
I think that Fruit Pie the Magician's best trick was making all traces of nutrients disappear from within his very own body.
Here's the big problem: He's a friendly character, so you like him. Yet he's basically BEGGING you to EAT HIM (or one of his kind).
So is he a sick, demented fuck like Twinkie the Kid (the nefarious rider of the golden sponge) or is he really a confectionery Christ, saying "Eat this, my body, in rememberance of me?"
None of this matters, I'm just looking for your take on this...
If you raise Fruit Pie to the level of messiah, then you'd have to do the same thing to those freaking M&Ms, Mayor McCheese, and the Burger King chickens...Where would it end?Post a Comment