Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, September 07, 2005


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Your idea for a buddy movie starring Bob Denver and William Rehnquist is now completely fucked. To be honest, a studio probably would have wanted to recast with Brad Pitt and Snoop Dogg anyway.

Taurus: This week, your worst nightmare comes true: you learn that your neighbor has been secretly videotaping you as you dance naked to your Boz Scaggs records, and he's posted them online. The good news is that you're a more popular download than the Tom Sizemore sex tape.

Gemini: There's no concrete rule on when it's the right time to sleep with someone you've started seeing, but it's usually a pretty good idea to wait until you're out of the restaurant on the first date.

Cancer: Don't be afraid to try new things. Except new versions of Russian Roulette. You can go ahead and be scared of those.

Leo: Buying deodorant is not "splurging". Just ask anyone who suffers the misfortune of standing next to you on the subway.

Virgo: Your "Honk If You Killed Christ" bumper sticker is not an effective form of religious outreach.

Libra: Serving someone breakfast in bed is sexy. Next time, though, you might want to make something a little better than your patented "ketchup soup".

Scorpio: This week, you will find marshmallows in your underpants. The stars aren't saying how they got there and, frankly, the stars don't want to know.

Your new boyfriend is lying to you. He is not Tom Cruise and that was not an "E-meter" he used on you last night. Just be thankful that you'll be able to sit down in a few days and move on.

Capricorn: The egg salad you made in June is angry and wants out of the refrigerator. You'd be well advised not to piss it off.

Aquarius: Just because you've shown your tits to strangers in a city does not mean you "feel the pain" of its residents "a little more" when something goes horrifically wrong there.

Pisces: Yes, the California state legislature has legalized gay marriage. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to make a killing on your "His & His" bath towel idea.

daily chinese horoscope info is so cheesy but we were looking at it anyway...why i dont know. I guess it is fun to play around online. Anyway, I saw your daily chinese horoscope posts and though it was cool...Alright, well...have a great night, I am back to daily chinese horoscope surfing LOL : )

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