HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Your idea for a buddy movie starring Bob Denver and William Rehnquist is now completely fucked. To be honest, a studio probably would have wanted to recast with Brad Pitt and Snoop Dogg anyway.
Taurus: This week, your worst nightmare comes true: you learn that your neighbor has been secretly videotaping you as you dance naked to your Boz Scaggs records, and he's posted them online. The good news is that you're a more popular download than the Tom Sizemore sex tape. Gemini: There's no concrete rule on when it's the right time to sleep with someone you've started seeing, but it's usually a pretty good idea to wait until you're out of the restaurant on the first date. Cancer: Don't be afraid to try new things. Except new versions of Russian Roulette. You can go ahead and be scared of those. Leo: Buying deodorant is not "splurging". Just ask anyone who suffers the misfortune of standing next to you on the subway. Virgo: Your "Honk If You Killed Christ" bumper sticker is not an effective form of religious outreach. Libra: Serving someone breakfast in bed is sexy. Next time, though, you might want to make something a little better than your patented "ketchup soup". Scorpio: This week, you will find marshmallows in your underpants. The stars aren't saying how they got there and, frankly, the stars don't want to know. Sagittarius: Your new boyfriend is lying to you. He is not Tom Cruise and that was not an "E-meter" he used on you last night. Just be thankful that you'll be able to sit down in a few days and move on. Capricorn: The egg salad you made in June is angry and wants out of the refrigerator. You'd be well advised not to piss it off. Aquarius: Just because you've shown your tits to strangers in a city does not mean you "feel the pain" of its residents "a little more" when something goes horrifically wrong there. Pisces: Yes, the California state legislature has legalized gay marriage. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to make a killing on your "His & His" bath towel idea.
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