HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Your heartbreak over Matt Damon's announced engagement knows no bounds. Actually, Aries, you're better off with your current boyfriend. After all, how can millions of dollars and an Oscar compete with the ability to drink a beer bong of one's own vomit on a dare?
Taurus: Despite how fervently you support the confirmation of John Roberts, you really shouldn't compare his Senate hearings to The Inquisition. If Patrick Leahy starts searing Roberts' flesh with a hot poker to get him to renounce Judaism, then you've maybe got an argument, but until that point, not so much. Gemini: This week, you take your belief in the old saying, "Never let them see you sweat" a bit too far and have your pores sealed off with polyurethane. Cancer: Friends beg you this week to get help with your drinking problem. Fortunately, you'll be hammered, so it won't bug you. Leo: You need to be friendlier to that junkie you see hiking up her skirt and peeing in the middle of the street. You never know when you might need her help. For instance, if you need to buy some crack. Virgo: This is a great week for purchases. Specifically, you're gonna want to really stock up on bullets, loose-leaf paper and Sloppy Joe sauce. The reason for this particular combination will become apparent as the week progresses. Libra: You are not a little teapot. You are neither short, nor stout. Scorpio: The time has come to ask yourself if yet another pair of expensive shoes are really going to make you any happier and to answer, "Yeah, probably." Sagittarius: You are rightly disturbed by your recurring sex dream about Jon Lovitz. Capricorn: Here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons. Hoping to find we're two of a kind. Making a go, making it grow, together. We're find our way. Together, taking the time each day to learn all about those things you just can't buy. Two silver spoons together, you and I. Aquarius: Your aversion to spicy foods leads you this week to begin wearing a condom on your tongue during meals. Avoid ones with the reservoir tip. Pisces: This week, you're faced with the age-old question of what to do when your 5-year-old is finally mature enough to ask, "Mommy, why do the government men want to take away our grenades and kick us out of the compound?"
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