HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: It's very noble of you to want to raise money for hurricane victims, but a "Give Me Oral Sex-Athon" is probably not the best way to go about it.
Taurus: You fall into a deep depression this week after finding out that none of your friends agree with you that "Food, Folks & Fun" was the best McDonald's slogan ever. Gemini: It's your third date and you've decided to have them over and cook a romantic dinner. You are faced with a choice as old as dating itself: Do I serve Spaghetti-Os or Beefaroni? Cancer: Your church finally gets new lights installed and, now that you can see better, you suddenly realize that, for the past six months, you've been seeking absolution from the hat check girl. Leo: The world holds new wonders for you each and every day. Today, for example, you are absolutely delighted to discover that "God" spelled backward is "dog". You're not really that bright. Virgo: It's a great week to start new projects, like knitting that blow up sex doll you've been wanting. Libra: Your sister and brother-in-law decide to name their newborn son "Rosengrantz Godot", which very firmly cements in your mind their status as The Most Pretentious Fucks in the Known Universe. Scorpio: You decide this week to find a new doctor, after being told by your current physician that he thinks freeze-drying your genitals might be a good treatment for chlamydia. Sagittarius: Today, you hit on the brilliant idea of having the Senate Judiciary Committee recommend that your husband order take-out. You may have some trouble, though, with Mike DeWine, who has been known to be vehemently pro-home cookin'. Capricorn: Your world will never again seem as bright and innocent now that you've learned that a super model used cocaine. Aquarius: Remember: In a suicide pact, the smarter person always goes second, just in case. Pisces: You're thrown for a bit of a loop this week when your boyfriend tells you he wants the two of you to act out his ultimate sex fantasy, which involves you dressing up like a sea otter and him dressing up like Gabe Kaplan from TV's Welcome Back Kotter.
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