Man. The news these days is so unrelentingly bleak that even a blog dedicated to the celebration of misery is feeling overwhelmed. So I thought I'd take today to be a little more sunshiny.
Here, then, is a list of sentences that would cheer me up right about now. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to hear most of these spoken out loud--at least not any time soon--but I'm going to be listening for them anyway.
"In a move that they said should bolster the nation's economy, banks across the country today announced that they were forgiving all law school loans for everybody."
"Jesus told reporters that His return did not herald the apocalypse and that He merely wanted an opportunity to 'bitch-slap Pat Robertson.' "
"This fall, CBS has decided to get rid of all of the dead weight in our line-up. Therefore, we will be airing nothing but The Amazing Race seven days a week. Oh, plus occasional reruns of The Mary Tyler Moore Show."
"Shocking the medical community around the world today, scientists at Johns Hopkins released the results of a ten year study that has conclusively determined that a strict diet of pizza and beer is the best way to assure long life."
"The Department of Transportation has decided to take some radical steps to conserve gasoline and so, starting tomorrow, anyone who wishes to continue driving their Hummer must agree to be castrated."
"We have news from Afghanistan that Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden was gang-raped and killed by a group of mountain gorillas."
"Mr. Wack, the Daily Show needs writers like you. Will you help us?"
"The sports world is still reeling from George Steinbrenner's announcement yesterday that he has decided to disband the New York Yankees and rent out Derek Jeter as a clown for children's birthday parties."
"Frankly, we here at Lucasfilm Ltd. are shocked that more people didn't realize that these last three movies were a practical joke. Yes, the real prequels will start to be released in 2006."
"My fellow Americans, I have been an incredibly bad president. Starting tomorrow, any citizen of this great country of ours who wishes to can kick me in the nards."