Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Tuesday, October 25, 2005


The Fall Fund Drive

Good day and welcome to Hairshirt's Fall Fund Drive. We're taking a few minutes out of our normal 5.4 paragraphs of hilarity to appeal to you, the reader, to do your part to keep Hairshirt coming to you on a regular basis.

Think for a minute how much you spend on your cable bill every month. Probably thousands of dollars, right? And why? Because you can't get enough Ashlee Simpson. We at Hairshirt don't fault you for this. We're right there with you, in fact. We can't get enough mediocre frauds either. The point is, you put a certain value on getting your AshSimp fix and you pay it happily. You do this in spite of the fact that you're not rolling in dough. Truth be told, you have to hock your plasma just to have enough money for your nightly twelve pack of Genesee Cream Ale. Still, you find enough change in your ass crack to keep the cable turned on.

All we're asking you to do is to dig a little deeper in that ass crack and find a little money to show your support for mopey bloggers. Other sites like Salon, Variety and make you pay for your information and entertainment. If you don't "show them the money"--to borrow a quote I heard in a Carrot Top routine from 2002--then you don't get to read what they have to say. Here at Hairshirt, we provide you the news and laughter you need and we do it out of our own pockets.

Where else on the web can you go to find out that there was a hurricane in Florida this past weekend? What other site is not only going to tell you that the number of Americans killed in Iraq has surpassed 2000, but also quip that the lucky family of the 2000th victim won an all-expenses-paid trip for four to Disney World, courtesy of the Defense Department? Is there another blogger out there who would suggest that we all mark the death of Rosa Parks by going out in the street right now and pissing on a bus? I think not.

So, today, we need you to step up and shoulder your portion of the responsibility for keeping this wonderful community resource going. For just pennies a day, you can pay for a month's worth of stories about my dogs crapping on the carpets. For the price of the prostitute you frequent thrice monthly, you can ensure the continuation of the Hairshirt Horoscope. Take a second and just ask yourself what it's worth to you to read about what turned up in my vomit.

And now's the time to pledge. Right now, we're having a dollar for dollar matching pledge from our trustee Gerald McRaney. That's right, the former star of Simon & Simon has pledged for the next hour to match your contributions dollar for dollar. That means, right now, your $100 dollar donation is worth $200. Your $1500 dollar donation is worth $3000. Your $.10 donation is still worth fucking squat, so don't bother.

But you're not just getting quality comedy for your money. We've got lovely gifts at every donation level. For a $50 pledge, you will receive a tote bag. It doesn't say "Hairshirt" on it or anything, but I've got a lot of tote bags sitting around and I'd be happy to get rid of one or two of 'em. For a $100 donation, you get the special Hairshirt Mix CD. The Hairshirt Mix is a collection of the most depressing music around, perfect for those evenings when you're this close to suicide, but are lacking that extra something to push you over the edge. For $1000, I'll tattoo your name on my ass.

Remember, the bulk of our support comes from you, the reader. You think we can count on the government to keep us afloat? Ha! The only thing those bozos are good for is to nominate mediocre cronies to the Supreme Court. No, without money from readers like you, we're fucked. So very, very fucked.

So now's the time, people. Now's the time to do your part. If you don't contribute, you are truly lower than whale shit. If you do contribute, we're fairly sure you are guaranteed a place in heaven at the right hand of the almighty. And seventy brown-eyed virgins. Which, we admit, might not be that great an incentive for the ladies, as who wants to sleep with seventy guys who couldn't find a vagina with five days and a Thomas Guide?

Anyway, give us your dough.

that we all mark the death of Rosa Parks by going out in the street right now and pissing on a bus

If this is the case, I've been marking her death on a daily basis for about five years now.

here's $10 for your cause, sir.
Does Canadian money count? No, I didn't think so...
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