Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Hairshirt Halloween Horror-scope
Aries: Nobody is going to be impressed by your costume. Going as Guy With His Dick Out really just shows a lack of effort.
Taurus: You find your popularity with neighborhood children to be in serious jeopardy when you run out of Snickers after only an hour and are forced to give Trick or Treaters a handful of scrambled eggs apiece.
Gemini: There are people who can pull off a skin-tight spandex Spider-Man outfit and there are those who look like what might happen if Spidey decided to smuggle around eighty pounds of pudding in his costume. Guess which one you are.
Cancer: Be careful how much you drink at the Halloween party this weekend. Remember: the rental shop is going to charge extra if they have to clean puke out of the Darth Vader mask.
Leo: Is anybody really going to get it when you show up dressed as ennui?
Virgo: You're in for a slightly rude awakening when you discover that the guy you were dancing with in the Klan outfit didn't realize it was a costume party.
Libra: You are once again too scared of goblins to go out on Halloween. Dude, you really need to get over this whole goblin thing.
Scorpio: Of all of the sexy costumes you could have picked from, "Slutty Accountant" was probably the poorest choice.
Sagittarius: This year, you only get two minutes into your annual spiel about how demeaning it is to you and your fellow Wiccans to see children running around in pointy hats with warts on their nose before someone tells you to shut the fuck up. Fortunately, there are caramel apples to cheer you up.
Capricorn: A thirty-five year old man dressed in an elaborate Harry Potter costume is sad. Not "cool", just sad.
Aquarius: The best way to make sure that Halloween vandals don't toilet paper your house is to get the jump on them and toilet paper you house yourself before they get a chance. Stops 'em every time.
Pisces: The Halloween party you throw for your six-year-old will be a great success. Until a horrific apple-bobbing mishap that will leave everyone in attendance scarred for life.