Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: While most in the artistic community are saddened this week by the death of August Wilson, you buck the trend by being ecstatic that you picked Nipsey Russell for your Dead Pool.

Taurus: You are baffled by your failure to find financial backing for your Vend-a-Kitten machines. Keep your chin up and hang onto your dream of machines dispensing tiny tabbies nationwide. It'll happen.

Gemini: Laughter is the best medicine. Unless your leg has been crushed beneath a tractor, in which case I'd really recommend a doctor instead.

You simply cannot blame the voices in your head for making you watch Laguna Beach. The hobo you killed last week? That you can blame on them.

Leo: You are greatly disturbed this week when Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld inexplicably pops up in your masturbatory fantasies. Don't overthink this. Just enjoy.

Virgo: Many people would agree with your opinion that Phillip Roth is one of the great American novelists. Unlike you, though, most would stop short of tattooing it on their foreheads.

Libra: You discover this week, to your great delight, that salmon tastes much better with a dill sauce than with Welch's Grape Jelly. And thus, your culinary universe continues to expand.

Scorpio: The Pillsbury Doughboy is not trying to steal your soul.

Sagittarius: You have a terrific urge today to sink your incisors into a nice, juicy steak. Sadly, as you lost all of your teeth in a horrific bocce incident five years ago, you will go unsatisfied.

Capricorn: You show touching optimism in your conviction that you just might be named People's Sexiest Man Alive even with that huge goiter on your neck.

Aquarius: Jumping on the bandwagon, you decide this week that you'll just go ahead and indict Tom DeLay, too.

Pisces: You should be aware that, if you go through with your plan to kill yourself, the literary world will dismiss your suicide note as "tired and derivative". You really ought to take a creative writing class at the Learning Annex before you take that bottle of pills.

That happens to Leos too? Phew, I thought it was just me.
I crush my leg in soccer games regularly. Sigh. Today I'm going to lose my toenail from the left big toe. What a funeral this will be!
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