Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Aries: Despite your admirable enthusiasm, the world is just not ready for co-ed naked luge.
Taurus: Advice to the Taurean dictator who is indicted for crimes against humanity and dragged before a tribunal: acting petulant and declaring that the court has no sovereignty over you is just so very, very tacky.
Gemini: You will find that you get a lot more second dates when you disabuse yourself of the notion that men are attracted to a gal who can crush a beer can with her butt cheeks.
Cancer: An audition goes exceptionally well for you this week. It doesn't go well enough to land you a job or to impress anybody important, but you do manage not to fart during your monologue.
Leo: You spend a significant portion of the week desperately trying to find out what it means when your mood ring turns plaid.
Virgo: You become so engrossed in what's going on this week on All My Children that you totally forget to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom. Perhaps you should read more.
Libra: Your creative side cries out for attention this week. Just go ahead and drown it in malt liquor like you normally do and it'll shut up eventually.
Scorpio: Don't worry so much about money this week. If you're low on funds, you should look into borrowing from the Mob. They've got stacks of it lying around and they're always looking for new clients.
Sagittarius: The good news is, your house is not haunted; you just have squirrels in your attic. The bad news is that they are zombie squirrels.
Capricorn: If you're going to try to spice up your sex life by using food in the bedroom, remember that not everyone likes lima beans.
Aquarius: Your love life this week is, in the words of the immortal William Shakespeare, "Fuckin' pathetic".
Pisces: Jesus loves you. However, he's not going to loan you any more money until you pay him back the fifty you borrowed last week. I mean, c'mon, man, even the messiah has his limits.