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Monday, October 31, 2005


Judge Not, Lest Ye Be a Judge Yeself

Wow! Who'd'a thunk it? When I went to bed last night, all I could think about was the indictment of Scooter Libby and how the heck Smilin' George W. was going to deal with it. But when I woke up this morning, it was like someone had pulled the plug and drained all that negativity from my noodle, and all I could think about was how excited I was about a new nominee to replace Sandra Day O'Connor!

It's just fah-reaky how that timing worked out.

How awesome for the president that he just happened to find the perfect guy for the job right when things were looking so bleak. Truly, truly just a happy coincidence. I, for one, will be focusing all of my energies on thinking about all the wonderful new rulings we can expect from the New and Improved Supreme Court after the Democrats completely fail to do anything to stop Alito's confirmation.

By the way, I just want to stand up right here and now and say that there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that Bush actually thought he was nominating a Latino to the court "...cause 'Alito' sounds kinda Messican."

And anyway, first, the nominee is going to have to go through the awkward gettin' to know you period with party leaders, senators and with the American people. Toward that end, Hairshirt once again leaves all other media in the dust and brings you the inside scoop on Sam Alito. We had our contact in the White House slip Judge Alito a copy of the Hairshirt Questionnaire.

Name: Samuel Alito

Nicknames: Sam the Clam; Scalito; Mr. Juicypants (used by Mrs. Alito, mostly); Conservalito; Mr. Distracto.

Hobbies: competitive Parcheesi; erotic origami; restricting a woman's control over her own body.

Favorite Song: Funkytown.

Last Good Book Read: Don't remember, but I do know I burned it right after.

Pet Peeve: Idiots who suggest that the Framers of the Constitution didn't have a handle on issues we face today, like taxing internet sales. It's all in there, people.

If I Could Be Anybody in the World I'd Be...: The guy whose job is to taste test Clark Bars. I like Clark Bars.

I Have Never...: Gotten a hummer under the bench while trying a case. Unlike certain other potential nominees who the president didn't select.

Turn-Ons: Gavels; light spanking; Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Turn-Offs: Separation of church and state; filibusters.

Someday I'd Like to...: Live in a country that's more like it was before all those stupid civil rights laws were passed.

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