Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Monday, October 17, 2005


Slaw and Order: Edible Intent

Last November, I was appalled--and yet, at the same time, captivated--by a story that was all over the local news for days. A woman was injured in an assault with a deadly turkey. She'd been peacefully driving down the freeway when someone had hurled this bird of mass destruction through her windshield, fracturing her face and causing her to crash her car. "My sweet merciful Christ," I thought. "What is our world coming to when delicious food is being used not to nourish us, but to destroy?" I shook my head in sadness in response to the question I'd asked myself and then I pissed myself off by ignoring my attempt at self-conversation and wondering instead to the refrigerator to grab a beer.

The memory of that horrible time, that time when I lived in fear that someone might commit a vicious turkeying against me, has resurfaced today, as I read in today's New York Times that the teenager who so brutally fooded a fellow human being was sentenced to six months in jail for his heinous crime. Six months. Half a year for an assault that forced the victim to go through round after round of painful reconstructive surgery and to miss months and months of work. The woman apparently asked the court for leniency, saying that she'd actually been very hungry that day and at least she had something to snack on while she waited for paramedics to remove her from the car with the jaws of life.

It got me thinking about other food-related crimes. What punishments are waiting out there for someone who, for example, clubs me on the head with a bag of sauerkraut? Turns out the answer is thirty days incarceration and a $1600 fine. In fact, there are laws to protect us from almost every time of edible assault.
  • Scalding someone with boiling applesauce: One year in a minimum security facility.
  • Sodomizing a Twinkie: No fine. (In Texas, automatic life sentence.)
  • Shoving a honey-baked ham sideways up someone's ass: Three-to-five months.
  • Shoving chip-chopped ham up someone's ass: Forty hours of community service.
  • Taking a shit in your neighbor's egg nog: Two years probation.
  • Drowning a senior in creamed corn: Twenty-to-life.
  • Smearing yogurt on your genitals and pressing them up against someone's window: Eighteen months.
  • Vehicular homicide while driving a car made entirely of marzipan: Forty-to-life.
  • Taco rape: Five-to-ten.
  • Wasting half of a really, really good pizza with fresh mozzarella and basil: Death by hanging.
So really, if you get the urge to use your meal to do someone else bodily injury, just remember: Don't do the food crime if you can't do the food time.