Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Slightly Belated Hairshirt Horoscope
Aries: Before you go and criticize a Supreme Court Justice nominee, maybe you need to ask yourself: Have you ever been elected president of the Texas Bar Association? Well? Have you? Didn't think so.
Taurus: Today, you let your desire to finally experience a shoeshine override your common sense, which would have told you that Chuck Taylors don't respond well to shoe polish.
Gemini: This week, you find Christ and are really surprised to find out how short he is. Seriously, the apostles must've been dwarfs or something.
Cancer: You need to keep in mind that the beautiful woman sitting next to you on your flight will probably not find the opportunity to join the Mile High Club sufficient motivation to blow you in a tiny, shaky bathroom.
Leo: Well what are you waiting for? That shopping bag filled with deep-fried Twinkies isn't going to eat itself, y'know.
Virgo: You're going to be very tempted this week to believe the guy who says he thinks you could be a major movie star, but that you first need to buy some headshots from his partner. When this happens, stop for a second and try to think about what kind of agent works out of a Chevette on blocks.
Libra: Happy Birthday, you handsome, handsome bastard. God, you just keep getting better looking every year. By the time you're seventy, you're going to be completely irresistible.
Scorpio: It's okay to ask guests to wipe their feet before they come in. Asking them to hose down their wheelchairs might be taking it a bit too far.
Sagittarius: You find yourself given to sudden and inexplicable crying jags this week. Sadly, it's not PMS. You're just pathetic.
Capricorn: Nobody wants to see your dazzling macrame.
Aquarius: Secretly, you really do want Charles in charge of your days and your nights, as well as your wrongs and your rights.
Pisces: You need to take a look at your theft of office supplies. A box of paper clips here and there, nobody's going to miss. But what exactly are you planning to do with that security guard you swiped last week?
Hey, that security guard wanted to come home with me. He was just too shy to ask, but I sensed it. I have a knack for that type of thing, which explains the collection of people in my basement.Post a Comment