Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Friday, October 07, 2005


Wack to Nobel Committee: Lick My Ass

Mohammed ElBaradei? What the fuck? Yet again, I get passed over without so much as a chuck on the shoulder and they give the fucking Peace Prize to Mohammed ElBaradei?

"Ooo! I run the International Atomic Energy Agency! I use diplomacy to get countries to enter into dialogue about nuclear arms reduction! Neener neener neener!" Lick my ass!

So once more, the Nobel committee completely fails to appreciate how hard it is to teach sixth graders the difference between upstage and downstage without smacking the living shit out of the little wiseasses. Thanks, you goat-ball-gargling Swedish ingrates!

I guess picking up after my dogs doesn't earn me any points either. Fine. From now on, I'm boxing my canine pals' leavings and shipping them straight to Stockholm and you can deal with it.

And what about the messages of hope and love that I send out almost every day on my blog? Huh? Do you have any idea how many millions of people would be wondering the streets in a lethally violent fog of rage if they hadn't taken a minute to chuckle at my droll witticisms? Do you have the slightest appreciation for how many lives I've saved by making the world a happier place? Apparently not.

I suppose that, as far as the Nobel people are concerned, I should just go out and stomp on some kittens, 'cause it's not like they show the slightest little appreciation for all I've done for my fellow man. Between baking delicious pies and taking out my recycling every fucking week, I have striven all my life to improve the conditions of those around me.

Y'know, I could run an internationally recognized atomic regulatory agency. I could get backing from the U.N. to go into hotspots around the globe and inspect their nuclear facilities for traces of bomb-making material. I just don't think that sort of flashy showing off is called for. Neither does anybody with a modicum of decor. So fuck you, "Mohammed", if that is your real name. You just go right ahead and stand up to the U.S. government and try to prevent hasty military action that actually ups the threat of nuclear war. Go ahead.

Me, though, I'm going to do things the old-fashioned way, one dog turd-filled sack at a time.