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Saturday, November 19, 2005


An Army of One and a Half

Like all good Americans, I'm very concerned about the mismanagement of our natural resources. I'm sure you've read the same articles that I have about the need to conserve oil; about deforestation; about how water pollution is endangering our very existence. It worries me.

What worries me even more, though, is what's not being talked about. The Bush administration has ignored one of our most wasted natural resources and the media has been entirely complicit in keeping this problem out of the public eye. I'm talking, of course, about crazy people.

Crazy people are so very, very precious and we as a nation are not taking advantage of them. We are basically just dumping them into a big Lake Erie-size toilet.

I ask you: what have we done with America's once vast supply of crazy people? We've lobotomized them. We've locked them up. We've medicated them into zombie-osity. Why? We need to make better use of what God has given us.

Currently, the United States military is made up largely of kids just out of high school. Some of them are there because they want to serve our country. Some of them are there because they just need money for college. Many of them feel overwhelmed by what they experience and suffer psychological scars that they're going to have to deal with for the rest of their lives. It's so unnecessary.

We've got hundreds of thousands of people who are already crazy! We should have an armed service that's staffed entirely with crazy people. Think of it: soldiers who know no fear. The carnage of war would be a drop in the psychosis bucket for these folks. Remember how effective the misfits and reprobates that made up the Dirty Dozen were? You'd be looking at the Dirty Eighty Thousand. No nation on earth would fuck with us. They'd be all, "Hey, I'm not messing with America. Those fuckers is crazy."

Who are we fighting in Iraq? We're fighting people so out of touch with reality that they think God is going to get them laid for eternity for shoving explosives up their ass and blowing up people who are doing the Bunny Hop at a wedding reception. They're crazy. Fight fire with fire; fight crazy with crazy. A crazy army would have a much better grasp of the way the fundamentalist mind works. The insurgency would be over in a matter of weeks, I'm telling you.

The All-Crazy Army is the wave of the future. I'm calling on George W. Bush to make a bold choice to ensure our nation's security by making that first splash. He'd be crazy not to.


If it e'er came to a draft, I have a couple of ex-girlfriends that would be 1A.

I'm all for it.
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