Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Friday, November 04, 2005


The Electric Abacus

Lame, that's what it is. Lamer than Tiny fuckin' Tim.

Our computer is old. It's over five years old, which is, I think, 137 in computer years. If our computer was a celebrity, it would be Didi Cohn. Being an old, worn out computer, it's prone to problems. Despite the memory I've added over the years, the external DSL modem, the relatively recently-installed writable CD drive, the poor old thing is just punching above its weight class with all the things we're asking it to do.

Since my wife bought me the CheesePod, we've been moving our computer back and forth a lot, unplugging the scanner to plug in the iPod; unhooking the iPod to slap on the camera, etc. Somehow, in all this moving, I managed to knock loose our sound card. Because I'm an idiot, I was puzzled at first as to the exact nature of the problem. Once I figured it out, I took the side off of Ol' Blue here and jammed the fucking thing back in place. When I rebooted, I was told that--although the computer recognized that the sound card was there--it did not have the software to reinstall it.

Have I mentioned how long we've had this computer? Do I need to even say that I have no fucking idea where the installation CD is? I didn't think so. So, now, the frigging thing is mute. I miss the sounds. I miss especially the crumpling noise that I used to hear when I emptied out the recycling bin. I don't usually give Microsoft credit for much, but, damn, I love that noise. I'm unable to listen to my discs, except if I upload them to iTunes and then dump them onto the already dangerously overcrowded CheesePod. I hate--fucking hate--that generic beep I get instead of my Mail Alert Tone.


This has been a good computer, for the most part. It really has. But my wife and I are looking around. I suppose it's probably not in good taste to type that on the very keyboard I'm hoping to get rid of in the near future. I'll be sad when we do bid adieu to Ol' Blue here. I'll probably run through a montage in my head of me and Ol' Blue typing up comedy sketches; me and Ol' Blue playing a successful game of Internet Euchre; me and Ol' Blue erasing the browser history so that my wife doesn't accidentally find out that I looked at 85 pages of I think I'll play "Danny Boy" in my head during this montage. And I'll cry. Softly.

If you know the type of sound card you have (manufacturer and model), then you can always download the drivers online from the mfg. website.

That is, of course, assuming that they haven't gone out of business since the cenozoic era which is when you bought the accursed thing.

I've pretty much got my wife talked into getting a nice big shiny NEW computer. Ix-nay on the ixable-fay.
I read that as "under ages we dish lesbians". wow.
(I posted a picture from Halloween, if you're curious)
You must have a wonderful wife if she is allowing you to buy a brand new computer, especially if she knows it will get far more attention than she will till the novelty wears off.
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