Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Aries: You need to take better care of your flying monkeys.
Taurus: You feel that, in the movie of your life, you'd be played by Cate Blanchett. We've done some checking and you'd actually be played by Tara Reid.
Gemini: Today, you are in danger of getting a very bad paper cut. On your ass. It's a long story.
Cancer: Your carelessness could lead to someone's feelings getting badly hurt. Then again, it could also lead to you having wild sex with the person of your dreams. What I'm saying is that everything's fucking random.
Leo: You feel a trifle uneasy today, almost as if your civil rights are in danger of being trampled upon by a right-leaning Supreme Court. Eerie.
Virgo: A candy corn sandwich is not part of a nutritious lunch.
Libra: You need to stop trying to get bitten by a spider. Even if one of them turned out to be radioactive, it would not give you superpowers. At most, it would make you sterile. Which, of course, would be great news for the gene pool.
Scorpio: Your doom is on it's way to you even as you read this. Don't worry, though, 'cause it's being sent UPS, so the odds are that you'll never fucking get it.
Sagittarius: Wondering if your little habit of taking off your clothes and covering your body with uncooked chicken skin would be considered weird by most people? Well, wonder no more, you great big perv.
Capricorn: Tonight is an excellent night to engage in lively conversation and indulge in food and drink. It's just a pity that you'll once again be doing this alone.
Aquarius: Yes, it's too early to put up your fucking Christmas tree.
Pisces: You're not going to impress your date by paying for dinner with rolled-up nickels.