Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Thursday, November 10, 2005


Hairshirt Horoscope

My apologies. I spent every second of my free time last night cranking out grades for the 13 classes I teach. By the end of it this afternoon, I was just saying fuck it and assigning grades at random. Anyway, here's the fucking horoscopes.

Aries: You spend the evening in a panic, as you waited until the last minute to finish your Veterans' Day shopping.

Taurus: This is a very good week to start on new projects. Things like, say, finally painting the basement room where you're keeping your grandmother chained. I think she'd find a pastel much more soothing than exposed cinderblock.

Gemini: Financial matters weigh heavily on your mind this week. Mostly, you're wondering how much of a raise you could get if you blew your boss. The answer: not enough.

Cancer: For Christmas this year, you might want to seriously consider giving your children something to cry about. After all, you've been promising to for years.

Leo: You're a microsecond away from literally plucking out your eyes this week when you inadvertently view nude pictures of Jerry Lewis this week. Just take deep breaths and count to 20,000. It'll go away.

Virgo: You have a strong urge this week to do something to help the poor. The instinct is good, but making them eat dog shit for quarters is probably not the right way to go about it.

Libra: There are better ways to impress people around your office than by claiming to have had carnal knowledge of Andy Griffith. That really just demeans both you and Andy.

Scorpio: Yes, a man's home is his castle. That still doesn't mean you have the right to dump cauldrons of burning oil on the mailman.

Sagittarius: It's a shame that nobody told you how often flute-playing minstrels get the shit beaten out of them when they ply their trade outside of the safe confines of the Renaissance Faire.

Capricorn: Two days later and you're still feeling the sting that your write-in campaign failed to put Mayor McCheese in office.

Aquarius: You're much more likely to be approved as an adoptive parent if you don't wear your "Nipple Inspector" t-shirt to the interview.

Pisces: I realize that money is tight, but panning for gold in your toilet seems not just desperate, but also kind of psychotic.