Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Aries: You're very grateful today for President Bush's reassuring words about the war in Iraq. For awhile, you were starting to worry that we were pissing young American lives away for no clear reason. Thank God he set us all straight on that.
Taurus: This week, you feel a bit underappreciated. These feelings are perfectly valid. This doesn't, however, mean that you should stand on your chair at work screeching, "What about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?!?"
Gemini: There are better ways to impress people than by doing your Fonzie impression.
Cancer: This week, you engage in wholesome wintertime activities with your family. Things like getting drunk and pissing your name in the snow. They're lucky to have a mother like you.
Leo: Leaving your socks on during sex is not hot.
Virgo: This week, you nearly come to blows with your significant other while decorating your Christmas tree. Don't worry, the emergency room nurses have removed keepsake ornaments from people's asses before, so you should come through it okay.
Libra: You should focus on the positive this week. For example, the horrendous winter cold you're suffering through means you can't smell that vomitty drunk on the bus. Lemons into lemonade, Libra.
Scorpio: The Transportation Safety Administration's decision to allow sharp objects on planes again means you can resume your old habit of dressing like Edward Scissorhands on transcontinental flights. Huzzah!
Sagittarius: "O' Holy Night" is a beautiful song. When sung by anyone else but you.
Capricorn: You should probably refrain from asking the clerk at Victoria's Secret which wonderbra would look best on your blow-up doll.
Aquarius: Mmmmm. Soup.
Pisces: You prove your harshest critics wrong by finding your own asshole with a map this week. Congratulations!