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Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Hairshirt Thanksgiving Horoscope

Aries: This year, as you're snoring on the couch in a tryptophan-induced slumber, your family will pack you up and ship you to Khazakstan, where there's a lucrative market in sex slaves.

Taurus: The Spider-Man balloon in the Macy's parade is not beaming your thoughts to the CIA. The Underdog balloon might be, though.

Gemini: Your attempt to bolster the meal's nutritional value by substituting your Chick Pea, Root Vegetable and Bulghar Gratin for the traditional mashed potatoes is met with universal disdain.

Cancer: Perhaps forty-two is a good age to stop singing "Over the River and Through the Woods" as you drive to your family's celebration.

Leo: Your single-guy Thanksgiving meal seems slightly less depressing when you get the idea to put some cranberry sauce in your tuna salad.

An erotic dance in celebration of Dionysus is perhaps not the proper way to welcome your guests at the door.

Libra: To get into the spirit of the holiday, why not use a turkey feather for your post-meal purge?

Scorpio: While there are many families who engage in traditional touch football games on Thanksgiving, your annual Front Lawn Knife Fight is a little more outside of the mainstream than you might realize.

Sagittarius: You should probably resist the urge to stand up at the table and yell, "Ambrosia salad is made from PEOPLE!"

The Turkey Ala King in the prison cafeteria helps make this the best Thanksgiving you've had since you attempted to kidnap Geraldo Rivera.

Aquarius: You've been looking forward all year to the Day After Thanksgiving sales. You're such a dipshit.

Pisces: You really get into the spirit of the holiday this year by smoking pumpkin-flavored crack.

Awesome, that means I have nine years left.
"over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go"
yeah, and that's all I know. Oh well. at least I have your permission to sing it. for another nine years. the husband will be happy to hear it.
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