Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Hairshirt Thanksgiving Horoscope
Aries: This year, as you're snoring on the couch in a tryptophan-induced slumber, your family will pack you up and ship you to Khazakstan, where there's a lucrative market in sex slaves.
Taurus: The Spider-Man balloon in the Macy's parade is not beaming your thoughts to the CIA. The Underdog balloon might be, though.
Gemini: Your attempt to bolster the meal's nutritional value by substituting your Chick Pea, Root Vegetable and Bulghar Gratin for the traditional mashed potatoes is met with universal disdain.
Cancer: Perhaps forty-two is a good age to stop singing "Over the River and Through the Woods" as you drive to your family's celebration.
Leo: Your single-guy Thanksgiving meal seems slightly less depressing when you get the idea to put some cranberry sauce in your tuna salad.
Virgo: An erotic dance in celebration of Dionysus is perhaps not the proper way to welcome your guests at the door.
Libra: To get into the spirit of the holiday, why not use a turkey feather for your post-meal purge?
Scorpio: While there are many families who engage in traditional touch football games on Thanksgiving, your annual Front Lawn Knife Fight is a little more outside of the mainstream than you might realize.
Sagittarius: You should probably resist the urge to stand up at the table and yell, "Ambrosia salad is made from PEOPLE!"
Capricorn: The Turkey Ala King in the prison cafeteria helps make this the best Thanksgiving you've had since you attempted to kidnap Geraldo Rivera.
Aquarius: You've been looking forward all year to the Day After Thanksgiving sales. You're such a dipshit.
Pisces: You really get into the spirit of the holiday this year by smoking pumpkin-flavored crack.