HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, November 23, 2005Hairshirt Thanksgiving Horoscope
Aries: This year, as you're snoring on the couch in a tryptophan-induced slumber, your family will pack you up and ship you to Khazakstan, where there's a lucrative market in sex slaves.
Taurus: The Spider-Man balloon in the Macy's parade is not beaming your thoughts to the CIA. The Underdog balloon might be, though. Gemini: Your attempt to bolster the meal's nutritional value by substituting your Chick Pea, Root Vegetable and Bulghar Gratin for the traditional mashed potatoes is met with universal disdain. Cancer: Perhaps forty-two is a good age to stop singing "Over the River and Through the Woods" as you drive to your family's celebration. Leo: Your single-guy Thanksgiving meal seems slightly less depressing when you get the idea to put some cranberry sauce in your tuna salad. Virgo: An erotic dance in celebration of Dionysus is perhaps not the proper way to welcome your guests at the door. Libra: To get into the spirit of the holiday, why not use a turkey feather for your post-meal purge? Scorpio: While there are many families who engage in traditional touch football games on Thanksgiving, your annual Front Lawn Knife Fight is a little more outside of the mainstream than you might realize. Sagittarius: You should probably resist the urge to stand up at the table and yell, "Ambrosia salad is made from PEOPLE!" Capricorn: The Turkey Ala King in the prison cafeteria helps make this the best Thanksgiving you've had since you attempted to kidnap Geraldo Rivera. Aquarius: You've been looking forward all year to the Day After Thanksgiving sales. You're such a dipshit. Pisces: You really get into the spirit of the holiday this year by smoking pumpkin-flavored crack.
Comments:
Awesome, that means I have nine years left.
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"over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go" yeah, and that's all I know. Oh well. at least I have your permission to sing it. for another nine years. the husband will be happy to hear it.
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