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Monday, November 28, 2005


Harry Potter and the Shitty Trailers

So my wife and I went to see the latest Harry Potter flick this weekend. I was severely let down. Not so much by the film itself, although I'd rate it a distant second behind Alfonso Cuaron's excellent Prisoner of Azkaban.

No, what truly had me lamenting the state of contemporary American cinema were the trailers I had to sit through for some excruciatingly bad computer-animated kids' movies. Do you remember a long time ago, when Pixar was the only company doing computer animation? When every one of their films was made with care and style? Yeah, that's not happening anymore.

To a one, these movies featured lame-ass celebrities giving voice to the exact same group of "quirky" characters and copious fart jokes. Buzz Lightyear must be vomiting in his grave. Here's a list of these upcoming releases:
  • Johns -- Kelsey Grammer and Hank Azaria give voice to two toilets who suddenly gain sentience and learn to work together to escape from their home in a subway bathroom. Cloris Leachman costars as a wizened French bidet.
  • The McNuggets' Christmas Carol -- Those delightful pieces of processed "chicken" we've loved in commercials for years finally get the feature-length treatment as they struggle to show a grizzled McDonald's manager (voiced by Tommy Lee Jones) the error of his ways during the holiday season.
  • Over the Hedge -- Bruce Willis stars as a raccoon who teaches other animals to eat garbage.
  • Big Dogz -- Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz bring their unmatched chemistry to this story of a flatulent Great Dane and his narcoleptic Newfoundland pal who find themselves returning a baby grey wolf to the wild.
  • Charlotte's Web -- E.B. White's beloved tale gets an update. In this reimagining, Wilbur is a punk-rock vegetarian porker and Charlotte is an amish single mother, which should help today's youths relate a little bit better.
  • The Return of the Banana Splits -- Hanna-Barberra's classic clownsters are back, only this time, it's not a bunch of guys in oversized mascot outfits. Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork team up to track down Snork's long-lost father.
The really sad part of this? One of those movies is real. Sweet merciful Christ.

Please, let it be Johns. And please tell me Mike Myers plays the wise-cracking urinal.
My guess is big dogz. Although I hope none of them will come true!
I predict that Johns will flop here in the state but will achieve outrageous box office success in Germany.

Something about a crap eating Kelsey Grammer is bound to get the krauts a little sticky tipped.
Please don't let it be Charlotte's Web. If they ruin the original version I will be PISSED. Look what they just did to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for pity's sake. Shudder.
i saw a billboard at the movie theater the other day for over the hedge....ahhhhhh
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