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Monday, November 28, 2005

 

Harry Potter and the Shitty Trailers

So my wife and I went to see the latest Harry Potter flick this weekend. I was severely let down. Not so much by the film itself, although I'd rate it a distant second behind Alfonso Cuaron's excellent Prisoner of Azkaban.

No, what truly had me lamenting the state of contemporary American cinema were the trailers I had to sit through for some excruciatingly bad computer-animated kids' movies. Do you remember a long time ago, when Pixar was the only company doing computer animation? When every one of their films was made with care and style? Yeah, that's not happening anymore.

To a one, these movies featured lame-ass celebrities giving voice to the exact same group of "quirky" characters and copious fart jokes. Buzz Lightyear must be vomiting in his grave. Here's a list of these upcoming releases:
  • Johns -- Kelsey Grammer and Hank Azaria give voice to two toilets who suddenly gain sentience and learn to work together to escape from their home in a subway bathroom. Cloris Leachman costars as a wizened French bidet.
  • The McNuggets' Christmas Carol -- Those delightful pieces of processed "chicken" we've loved in commercials for years finally get the feature-length treatment as they struggle to show a grizzled McDonald's manager (voiced by Tommy Lee Jones) the error of his ways during the holiday season.
  • Over the Hedge -- Bruce Willis stars as a raccoon who teaches other animals to eat garbage.
  • Big Dogz -- Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz bring their unmatched chemistry to this story of a flatulent Great Dane and his narcoleptic Newfoundland pal who find themselves returning a baby grey wolf to the wild.
  • Charlotte's Web -- E.B. White's beloved tale gets an update. In this reimagining, Wilbur is a punk-rock vegetarian porker and Charlotte is an amish single mother, which should help today's youths relate a little bit better.
  • The Return of the Banana Splits -- Hanna-Barberra's classic clownsters are back, only this time, it's not a bunch of guys in oversized mascot outfits. Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork team up to track down Snork's long-lost father.
The really sad part of this? One of those movies is real. Sweet merciful Christ.
posted by Joe  # 5:40 PM

Comments:
Please, let it be Johns. And please tell me Mike Myers plays the wise-cracking urinal.
# posted by Blogger Prego : 8:18 PM
 
My guess is big dogz. Although I hope none of them will come true!
# posted by Blogger Konrad : 10:47 AM
 
I predict that Johns will flop here in the state but will achieve outrageous box office success in Germany.

Something about a crap eating Kelsey Grammer is bound to get the krauts a little sticky tipped.
# posted by Blogger rob : 2:37 PM
 
i saw a billboard at the movie theater the other day for over the hedge....ahhhhhh
# posted by Blogger Amanda : 1:29 AM
 
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