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Thursday, November 03, 2005


Like Hemingway, But Butcher

I'm considering writing a novel. I'm considering this because it seems like a quick and easy way to make a lot of money.

The problem I'm running into here is that I'm not really a "novel" kind of guy. I don't tend to use a lot of flowery language. I like to think I have a terse, no-nonsense style of writing. When you read the words I lay down, you should easily picture them coming out of the mouth of Clint Eastwood. Which fits in with my immense machismo.

Anyway, in preparation for this novel, I've been practicing my use of descriptive language. I won't bore you with the paragraphs that surround these gems, but I'd like to get some feedback on them.
  • Tony felt like a plate that someone had let cheese dry onto. When, oh, when would someone come into his life with an S.O.S. pad?
  • She was a wild stallion, galloping through the rugged wilderness of his heart.
  • Arnold looked into the craggy map of the old man's face, trying to find a route that would take him to a better fate. It looked like there were delays on all the major roadways.
  • Annie's anger exploded from her, along with some spittle.
  • "I can't be controlled, Bjorn," said Maisie. "There is no instruction manual for my heart. And even if there was, I don't think you can read."
  • Quiveringly, Becky reached her hand out and caressed Audra's quivering belly. They quivered together for a moment, then came together in Becky's first lesbian kiss. "So this is what joy tastes like," she thought.
  • The morning found Craig no better. If this kept up, he thought, they'd be able to run what was left of his soul through the eye of a needle. Damn them.
  • The taste of Juan's cigar lingered in Cleo's hair, the way a teenage boy will linger outside of the house of some girl who's rumored to be a slut.
  • Karl was a squirrel, running up and down a tree with a joy that contains no small amount of fear.
  • Doctor Dan's mirror stared back at him, accusingly. "Don't you dare blame me," said Doctor Dan to the mirror, "you're in it just as much as I am."
Personally, I think this novel is going to be my ticket out of this hellish existence where I can't afford to buy my poor dogs a solid gold pooper scooper. I'm going places, baby.

that is what joy tastes like.
i'll take 3.
"I'm considering writing a novel. I'm considering this because it seems like a quick and easy way to make a lot of money."

If by "quick" you mean 10 to 15 years, and by "easy" you mean slaving in front of your computer for 8-10 hours a day, seven days a week, then have at it! I, on the other writerly hand, know it can't be done that quickly or easily. Unless you ARE Hemingway, and even then, in this market, you're looking at a goodly amount of work to get it published. However, if you're just kidding, then never mind. LOL
Yeah, I was using what I believe some people call "irony" there, Christian.
Are we a tad bit "sensitive" there, Christian? I believe the man was kidding. Have you read the rest of this guys blog?

you lifted these straight out of harlequin romances, didn't you?
I actually like most of these, though you can throw out a couple of the 'quivers'.

Joking or not, I think you really might want to consider taking a novel on.
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