It's that time of year again. "Best of" lists are dotting the landscape like used condoms at a truck stop. Taking seriously my job as Person Who Tells Everyone What to Think, I am, of course, required to analyze the past year. So here we go:
Best Celebrity Death: Bob Denver. I'm really tempted to go with Vincent Schiavelli, the character actor who finally figured out a way to remind people of his name so they'd stop referring to him merely as "that one creepy-looking dude". Instead, though, I've gotta go with my heart on this one and say Bob Denver. Let's face it, Gilligan was simply too pure, too kind, too good for this world.
Best Public Relations Move: NYC Transit Workers Strike. Truly, there is no better way to make hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers empathize with your situation than to make them walk to work in freezing fucking cold weather and fuck up their Christmas shopping. Kudos, TWU!
Best Movie I'll Have to Pretend to Have Seen During Conversations at Parties: Brokeback Mountain. Yes, it's an Ang Lee film that doesn't feature Nick Nolte and Mutant Poodles. Yes, it's a heartbreaking, emotionally raw love story. Yes, you risk being labeled homophobic if you don't buy your ticket right this second. But, I've gotta be honest: I don't like Jake "PuppyEyes" Gyllenhall and if I wanted to watch two cowboys fucking, I'd go down to the Adult Section at Videorama and rent The Magnificent Seven Inches or The Man Who Tea-Bagged Liberty Valance.
Best Jungle Animal: Lion. I'm not saying the toucan didn't have a great year, but when you look past the hype, the King of Beasts just brings it, y'know?
Best Argument for Getting a Living Will: Terri Schiavo. Go and get one right fucking now or, someday, congress might hold a special session to prevent someone from releasing you from years and years of incredible fucking torture.
Best Gross Mis-Use of Power by the Bush Administration: Domestic Spying. This was a tough one, because there was truly an embarrassment of riches in this category in 2005. However, the choice was really taken out of my hands when Bush asked the musical question, "Do I have the authority [to flout the Constitution and invade your privacy like the worst of totalitarian fascist regimes]? Absolutely."
Best Spice: Fennel. Whether sprinkled on fish, tossed in a salad or cooked in risotto, you just can't top the fennel seed.
Best Natural Disaster: Earthquake in Pakistan. Yes, Katrina was horrific and showed the disgustingly inadequate response system the Bush Administration has in place four years after September 11th, but you really can't argue with 86,000 dead. Earthquake in a squeaker.
Best Way to Rid the World of Ben Affleck: Rolling Him in Garbage and Leaving Him for Raccoons to Eat. There are those who will insist that an angry mob with torches and pitchforks would be more satisfying, but think of the poetic appropriateness of covering Ben in melon rinds and used diapers.
Best Comic Book: Infinite Crisis. It's a complete fanboy wet-dream.
Best Celebrity Divorce: Charlie Shanian and Tori Spelling. I had a really tough time in this category, as there were more celebrity divorces than genital warts on Tara Reid. In the end, though, I had to give it up for Mr. Shanian, who apparently awoke from a coma this year and saw what was lying across from him in the bed. Run, Charlie, run!
Best Fucked-Up Selection Process: Pope-Choosing. Again, this was a close one. Nominating the gal who helps you clear brush on your ranch to the Supreme Court is pretty fucked up. But for sheer ludicrous bullshit, nothing comes close to white smoke vs black smoke.
Best New Word My Wife Came Up With: Nephieces. Tired of saying "my nephews and niece", my lovely spouse coined this gender-blended catch-all, which I think is going to catch on like wild fire.
Best Completely Inactive Activism: Ethos Water. This is so great. Instead of actually doing something to help children get access to clean water around the world, you can just spend $3 for a bottle of water at Starbucks, and they'll throw one cent toward the problem for you. Yay, corporations!
Best Reason to Be Thankful: The Year's Over. No matter how very, very hard this year sucked, it stops sucking after 11:59 PM on Saturday. Then, we get a whole new year to beat us down like Dickensian orphans. Huzzah!
: 9:02 AM
