Wow. 2005 was one hell of a year for celebrities. So much happened to so many of our fabulous famous that it made our collective heads spin. Who could've predicted that Tom Cruise would go from annoying, toothy egotist to complete psycho? Who would've thought that Paris Hilton's engagement might not last? Who in their right minds might have said 365 days ago that Russell Crowe might be unstable enough to hurl telecommunication equipment? Why...me, of course. I predicted all three of these events when I appeared last year on an E! News Special.
And now, I'm prepared to do it again. I've whipped up my special blend of tea leaf-covered tarot cards and I'm about to shed the light of my foresight on the future lives of the rich and famous. Be forewarned.
In a surprise move expected by almost none of the major tabloids, Britney Spears will divorce Kevin Federline and marry Jessica Simpson. Several writers for In Touch will fill so full of joy that they spontaneously combust.
Nicolas Cage and his wife will have a second baby, which they will name Aquaman.
Three actors I can't recognize and don't care about from either One Tree Hill or Everwood or one of those fucking shows will marry three other actors from The O.C. or something and then they'll divorce and I still won't give a shit.
The population of the United States will be reduced by nearly 38% when Oprah Winfrey has her chef share her recipe for "special" Kool-Aid and then directs her viewers to drink it with her during a sweeps week broadcast.
Aliens will descend from the heavens and hold a press conference in which they deny ever putting extraterrestrial souls into the bodies of Scientologists. Instead of suing the religion for years of vicious slander, the aliens will take Danny Masterson away to be their space sex slave and call it even.
Having found his way again by turning his life over to our Lord and savior, Dave Chapelle will make a return to television in a sit-com about a wacky couple trying to raise their seven kids. It will really, really suck.
Producers will stop trying to build a decent movie around Jessica Alba and will, instead, release a movie inwhich she stands naked for two hours and reads recipes for cake. They'll call it Naked Jessica Alba and Cake.
After accidently biting his lip, 50 Cent will begin a feud with himself. Half of his bodyguards will engage in a gun battle with the other half outside of a Hollywood night club and Fitty will receive a minor knife wound from his left hand. Two weeks later, he'll hold a press conference in which he announces a truce.
While directing a remake of Mothra in New Zealand, Peter Jackson will lose another 150 pounds, at which point Lindsay Lohan will recognize in him her soul mate and thus will begin a very skeletal romance.
Katie Holmes will give birth this spring to a healthy baby boy. Oddly, the baby will look absolutely nothing like Tom Cruise, almost as if he hadn't had sex with her in the first place.
Courtney Love will do something skeevy. (I didn't actually have to use the tarot cards for this one. It's just good common sense.)
The new installments in the Rocky and Rambo franchises will be such huge successes that Sylvester Stallone will be moved to produce sequels to Over the Top and Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.
Bono will be super-pissed when he loses the 2006 Nobel Peace Prize to Jimmy Buffett, who will be recognized for his work with Hawaiian shirt addicts.
In an emotional press conference, Jennifer Garner will tearfully reveal to the world that Ben Affleck had a gun on her for the last two years and she couldn't get away.
George W. Bush and Dick Cheney will stun both Republicans and Democrats alike with the revelation that they are a couple.
Well, folks, that's all the tea leaves have to say for now. From all of us at Hairshirt, "Keep your feet on the ground and keep fucking the stars."
