HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Wednesday, December 28, 2005Hairshirt Horoscope: 2006 Zodiac Forecast
Aries: Good news, Aries: 2006 will be the year you finally figure out how to set the clock on your VCR. What a milestone for you!
Taurus: Fortunately for you, Taurus, the alien overlords who take control of our planet and enslave humanity will still need someone to fry up corndogs, so your career will not be in any jeopardy. Gemini: Geminis will find 2006 to be a year of agonizing heartbreak and nearly crippling emotional devastation. On the plus side, you'll really enjoy the series finale of Will & Grace this May. Cancer: This is it, Cancer. This is the year you achive your lifelong goal of writing the Great American Novel. It will be about a family of migrant workers from Oklahoma who travel to California to seek a better life, only to have their dreams crushed. You'll call it The Grapes of Wrath. Then you'll find out it was already published by someone else over seventy years ago and you will be so fucking pissed. Leo: By the end of the year, Leo, you will learn why pickled eggs are not to be trifled with. Virgo: 2006: not a good year for Virgos who don't like being dragged from their car by a mob of rampaging midgets and being beaten severely by tiny, tiny fists. Libra: This year, Librans will discover why it's not a good idea to breastfeed the lion cub you found on your African safari. Scorpio: You will spend most of 2006 eating jalopeno poppers. Sagittarius: This will not be a good year for Sagittarians to travel outside of the United States, especially after George Bush makes his speech before the U.N. explaining why he had every right to drop a nuclear bomb on Latvia. Capricorn: Despite a heartfelt New Year's resolution and the very best intentions, you will not be able to give up shouting "Jinkies!" at inappropriate times. Aquarius: The low point of the coming year for you will be in February, when Johnny Knoxville gets shut out of the Academy Award nominations, despite not one, but two stellar turns in Dukes of Hazzard and The Ringer. Pisces: Pisces, you will spend most of 2006 mistakenly thinking it's 2007.
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