HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005Life in Pottersville
I have a theory.
I believe that, this morning, President Al Gore was feeling despondent. The Universal Health Care bill he'd shepherded through congress was in danger of being voted down. President Gore had put everything he'd had into this bill. He'd risked wasting the unprecedented good will he'd maintained from countries around the world since September 11th, 2001 when he'd called for a multinational approach to fighting terrorism. He'd put so much time and energy into the health care bill that he'd been neglecting his foreign policy. The Democrats, who'd regained control of congress riding President Gore's coattails in 2002 were now facing a filibuster on the health care bill in the Senate. One or two radical dems had pushed for what they called the "nuclear option", scrapping the filibuster altogether, but Gore and the more level-headed senators nixed that idea immediately, seeing how truly fucking crazy it was. So now, with his approval ratings at an all-time low--hovering somewhere around 80%--and the U.N. weapons inspectors accusing him of dragging his feet about sending a U.N. team into Pakistan after triumphant successes in Iraq, Iran, North Korea and Denmark, President Gore was at the end of his rope. And so he briefly considered suicide. Which is when a wingless angel came down from heaven. He told President Gore that he shouldn't despair. Gore responded that perhaps it would have been better if George W. Bush had been able to manipulate the voting process and had won the presidency in 2000. This gave the angel an idea and he used his magical powers to show President Gore what life would have been like if he hadn't been elected. Which is where we are right now. The horror Gore must feel when he sees the American lives that have been lost on a war we had absolutely no reason to start. The disgust that must gnaw at him when he hears the president of the United States admit to authorizing wiretaps on ordinary Americans without a warrant. The revulsion that must overwhelm him when he sees how many American businesses are struggling in the face of paying for health care that the government should be ensuring for all of us. So, okay, President Gore. You've probably seen enough now, right? You've probably learned to appreciate what a fantastic job you've done as president, even if you can't do absolutely everything you feel you need to. So go ahead and call Clarence back and tell him you want to live. Hurry the fuck up, so we can turn Pottersville back to Bedford Falls. Zuzu's waitin', chief. So please wake us up from this national nightmare. Merry Christmas, Mr. President.
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