Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Amazing Tales of Heresy
I'm reading a really interesting book right now called Beyond Belief: The Secret Gospels of Thomas. It's by Elaine Pagel, the same woman who wrote The Gnostic Gospels and it's basically a look at the differences between what have become the established gospels of the New Testament and some of the many, many other gospels that were written by various Christian sects before the early church hierarchy decided that only Matthew, Mark, Luke and John were the True Word of God.
What this book doesn't talk about--or, at least, hasn't talked about in the first half of the book, as I'm not finished with it yet--is the fifteen-hundred or so years since the New Testament was set down and all of the tinkering done on it by various popes and monks and kings and people with a vested interest in making sure that it was useful in keeping Christians from doing things that the Powers That Were didn't want them to do.
I respect the right of Christians of all degrees of devoutness to believe whatever they want about the Bible and I would never get into an argument with someone and try to talk them over to my way of thinking. But come on. Have you read Revelation? The author has obviously gotten ahold of some really killer mushrooms and then jotted down everything he saw while he was tripping balls. And there are millions and millions of people who take this stuff seriously. It's frightening.
Now, again, if you are a devout Christian, I don't mean to denigrate your faith. Honestly, I don't. I think that you have to have some kind of moral compass in this world. The universe is a frightening place to ponder if you have no answers to the Big Questions and I know that religion gives people comfort and a way of relating to the world, which is wonderful. But I have a problem with people who feel the need to scream in my face that this science fiction anthology is to be taken literally and used to sort good from bad. If I'm going to do that, I think I'd rather use The Martian Chronicles, frankly.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to do is, I'm going to rewrite bits of the Bible in a way that makes a little more sense to me. And I'm going to share it with anyone who cares to read it. Please feel free to skip this if you wish. I call this new recurring feature...
Amazing Tales of Heresy!
Jesus looked around the table. God, he was sick of these people. Not one of them ever had an original idea of their own. Not one of them really gave a shit about him personally. All they cared about was the money and the chicks. Sycophants and hangers-on, the lot of them. Listen to Peter. "Oh, we really showed those money-changers. They will not be returning to the temple. We are going places, dudes."
Jesus rolled his eyes. Where were these assholes when he was working eighteen hours a day putting together chairs in his dad's shop? Fame sucked. Simon walked over, carrying a pitcher of water.
"Um...hey Jesus. We're kinda out of wine. You think you could, uh..."
Jesus sighed and waved his hand over it. Simon gave a drunken thumbs-up and weaved back to his chair. Jesus cringed as he watched James duck behind a potted plant to vomit. What the hell was he doing with these jerks?
Judas came to him and knelt down beside his chair. He leaned over and breathed his garlic-lamb-breath in Jesus' face. "Say, lord, Thaddaeus and I have a bet. We figured, since you're omniscient and all, maybe you could settle it for us. Which is faster, the cougar or the antelope?"
Jesus stood up and threw his napkin on the table. "Oh my fucking god, I am so tired of you guys!"
Simon nudged Thomas. "Dude, he looks pissed."
Thomas piped up. "Um...what would you like us to do, o Lord?"
Jesus drained his wine. "Eat me." He tossed his goblet down and walked out.
The Twelve looked at each other for a moment. John said, "Hey, what do you think he meant by that?" And the debate began.
I couldn't say it any fucking better, dude.
That is EXACTLY how the last supper took place. Of course, I inspired you to write this brilliant work...
I think, not so much as killer mushrooms, it was the fact that the person who wrote [Revelations] was raving mad and dying in jail.Post a Comment
There's a really funny site I found that some hardcore christian posted called "17 evidences against evolution," and in several of the arguments he lists proofs that are archaic, disproven, or, in a couple cases, withdrawn by the creator of the "proof."
I find the entire thing hilarious. that is, religion in general.