HAIRSHIRT

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You are made inexplicably uneasy by the new tag line in the Cheese Nips ad. For some reason, "When you love Nips, it shows" strikes you as less a compelling advertisement and more as a call to arms for breast fetishists.

Taurus: Despite the certainty you feel on this subject, your actions are not--repeat, not--controlled by a tiny gnome that lives in your elbow.

Gemini: The stars are compelling you to bet your wife's retirement savings on Pittsburgh beating the spread next week. Right. Blame the stars, you pathetic shithead.

Cancer: This week, you find yourself sorely tempted to crap in your pants just to see how it feels.

Leo: Right now, Leo, you're feeling like the Mona Lisa: an object of beauty hung up for the adoration of the masses, but never knowing the comfort of a warm and private home. Actually, you're more like a Pamela Anderson poster, but feel free to maintain your delusions.

Virgo: Is there a point to living now that Mario Lemieux has retired? You're honestly not sure.

Libra: A penguin swallows your car keys today, giving you yet another reason to hate those waddling little fucks.

Scorpio: Today, after years and years of soul-searching and pondering the important questions of the universe, you finally arrive at your answer: you actually prefer Picard to Kirk.

Sagittarius: Bear in mind this week, Sagittarius, that the ancient Peloponnesians regarded cold sores as a sign of prosperity.

Capricorn: Nachos are tasty. Tasty, tasty nachos.

Aquarius: You're pretty sure you find very subtle satanic messages hidden in the sound track to Finding Nemo.

Pisces: You are really turned on by Paul Wolfowitz. Maybe this is a good time to explore why that is. Perhaps with the help of a qualified psychoanalyst.

posted by Joe # 11:16 AM

Comments:

i was sure about it the last time he retired. (and i was in elementary school) cue some parody song in the pittsburgh area to the tune of American Pie..."Bye Bye French-Canadian guy..."

# posted by

Amanda : 12:15 PM

You know what? They so are! You're a natural.

# posted by

An Urban Femme : 1:07 PM

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Hairshirt Horoscope

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		Wednesday, January 25, 2006 Hairshirt Horoscope Aries: You are made inexplicably uneasy by the new tag line in the Cheese Nips ad. For some reason, "When you love Nips, it shows" strikes you as less a compelling advertisement and more as a call to arms for breast fetishists. Taurus: Despite the certainty you feel on this subject, your actions are not--repeat, not--controlled by a tiny gnome that lives in your elbow. Gemini: The stars are compelling you to bet your wife's retirement savings on Pittsburgh beating the spread next week. Right. Blame the stars, you pathetic shithead. Cancer: This week, you find yourself sorely tempted to crap in your pants just to see how it feels. Leo: Right now, Leo, you're feeling like the Mona Lisa: an object of beauty hung up for the adoration of the masses, but never knowing the comfort of a warm and private home. Actually, you're more like a Pamela Anderson poster, but feel free to maintain your delusions. Virgo: Is there a point to living now that Mario Lemieux has retired? You're honestly not sure. Libra: A penguin swallows your car keys today, giving you yet another reason to hate those waddling little fucks. Scorpio: Today, after years and years of soul-searching and pondering the important questions of the universe, you finally arrive at your answer: you actually prefer Picard to Kirk. Sagittarius: Bear in mind this week, Sagittarius, that the ancient Peloponnesians regarded cold sores as a sign of prosperity. Capricorn: Nachos are tasty. Tasty, tasty nachos. Aquarius: You're pretty sure you find very subtle satanic messages hidden in the sound track to Finding Nemo. Pisces: You are really turned on by Paul Wolfowitz. Maybe this is a good time to explore why that is. Perhaps with the help of a qualified psychoanalyst. posted by Joe # 11:16 AM Comments: i was sure about it the last time he retired. (and i was in elementary school) cue some parody song in the pittsburgh area to the tune of American Pie..."Bye Bye French-Canadian guy..." # posted by Amanda : 12:15 PM You know what? They so are! You're a natural. # posted by An Urban Femme : 1:07 PM Post a Comment << Home		Links The Conversation Special Productions Izzle Pfaff Freida Bee Sometimes I Just Talk Alisa and the Stuff Alisa Does Tuna Girl Defective Yeti The Incurable Insomniac The Savvy, The Extreme and The Idealist Caballito del Diablo The Ambivalence of Open Spaces Bug-Eyed Blog Whiskeymarie Version 53 Things I've Noticed (S)wine: ShortLeanCuts Out of Tune Missives from the Beige Sister of Hairshirt Apostrophe Abuse Jonestown Tobacco Brunette The Public Intellectual That's Why Archives July 2004 August 2004 September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 March 2011 April 2011