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Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Monday, January 23, 2006Why I'm Breaking the Law...by George W. Bush
President Bush gave a speech today in Kansas in which he defended his domestic spying program before a crowd of smiling Kansans. I have to say, before this speech, I was worried that Bush was grossly misusing his power to infringe on our civil liberties. But he was just so darned eloquent today that I've completely come around to his way of thinking. Following are some excerpts from that speech.
"You know, a lot of us grew up thinking that the ocean would protect us. We figured that it was this giant creature that could rise up and just knock the livin' tar outta any gooks or such that wanted to bomb us. Turns out, the oceans are just water. And not the tasty kind you can drink, either. Y'ever try drinkin' water outta the ocean? It tastes like the outside of a margarita glass. Ick." "I knew right after September the 11th that the attacks would begin to fade in people's memory. I figure most folks are like me and, shit, I tend to forget stuff that happened ten minutes ago. But I have this little trick, see. If I talk about something every ten minutes or so, I remember it. So I made myself a promise that I would talk about September 11th every ten minutes. Just slip it into the conversation even if it wasn't relevant. Like if I'm talking about why Sam Alito should be confirmed or something and I'll just refer to September 11th for no clear reason. See, it's just so I don't forget it. Where am I?" "I want to step back and just tell you--I probably--I hope I say this more than once, 'cause otherwise I'll forget it: committing troops into harm's way is the last option of the President. It's the hardest decision a President can make. It's made a teeny little bit easier when that President really, really wants to send troops into harm's way, but it's still not as easy as, say, making a plate of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Sometimes, I like to call it Kraft Cheese & Macaroni, just when I'm feeling silly." "Since we can't track vast armies or armadas or whatever you call those groupie things--I was never in the service, see--you have to have intelligence. Good intelligence. Smart intelligence. You've got to be able to shine a light into the dark corners where these people hide. 'Cause they're like cockroaches. Y'ever go into the kitchen in the middle of the night and turn on the light, 'cause you were gonna eat some left over cheese and macaroni? And, and when you turn that light on, there's cockroaches on the counter and they just start to run and scatter, 'cause they know that you're takin' off your slipper and gonna squash the shit outta them? Right, okay, see, basically, intelligence is that slipper. And when I've got to go through a court of some kind to get permission to listen in on people's phone calls, it's like I loaned my slipper to some guy down the street and I'm just in my bare feet. And that don't work for me, 'cause the kitchen floor is real cold." "The definition of success, by the way, is the state of having succeeded. I know that for a fact, because I just looked it up. We got a strategy and I'm going to keep talking about it, 'cause otherwise I might forget. Where am I?" "We got to step back and ask why? Why would the terrorists want to stop democracy? And the answer, because the establishment of a free Iraq would be a devastating blow to their vision. Eleven million or so Iraqis went to the polls in defiance of these killers. It's a magical moment in the history of liberty. It's like Doug Henning was dressed up in a gown, holdin' a torch and with that crowny thing on his head and he made a elephant disappear. It's magical like that." "See, we got to protect Liberty. We should be willing to do anything as a nation to protect our Liberty. Sometimes, to do that, you have to give up some of your Liberty. It's like when you're pulling down a blind, 'cause you want it to go up. It's like that, only with Liberty. Where am I?"
Comments:
I came to tell you I have officially learned how to play Euchre.
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That and I am having impure thoughts about this entry.
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