Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, February 01, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: You were absolutely horrified to discover during last night's State of the Union address that you are addicted to oil. Now you're desperately searching for a twelve-step program to kick the habit.

Taurus: You find yourself overwhelmed by this deep conviction that, beneath those feminine clothes and that air of sophistication, you are really a moose trapped in a woman's body. And now you're hearing the Call of the Wild.

Gemini: You will find yourself much more successful in the one-night-stand department if you can come up with a better line than, "I want to put my pee-pee in you."

Cancer: There are much better ways to honor the memory of Coretta Scott King than by watching "How Stella Got Her Groove Back."

Leo: Fruity Pebbles are not nearly as delicious as you remember them being. Just a word of caution when you find yourself growing nostalgic while in the cereal aisle.

Virgo: You're certain that you'll be treated to an incredibly exciting game this Sunday. You really live to be let down, don't you?

Libra: You are in foul spirits today, after finding out that Sharon Colman's Badgered was nominated for Best Animated Short; you find her work puerile and derivative. You, sir, need a life.

Scorpio: Staples do not make adequate cufflinks.

Sagittarius: A yogurt bath sounds very luxurious in the abstract, but you won't feel quite so pampered when you're cleaning it out of your ear canal for five hours.

Capricorn: There's nothing wrong with your resume that a few dozen lies can't fix.

Aquarius: Yes, a coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man only one, but those thousand deaths start a long way down the road and that one is right now.

Pisces: Your life-long dream of becoming a professional figure-skater would be much easier to realize if you weren't forty-seven.