Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Aries: This might not be the best time to ask the mosque next door if they wouldn't mind lowering the volume on their call to prayer. Seems they're feeling a bit sensitive right now.
Taurus: While they certainly appreciate the effort, your family isn't exactly wowed by your attempts to dress up Hamburger Helper by adding a dash of paprika.
Gemini: Your life is like a rollercoaster; mostly in that it's run by toothless carnies.
Cancer: The Seahawks lost the game four days ago. It's now time for you to get the fuck over it and take a shower, already.
Leo: While the government does not officially acknowledge that they are using Amazon.com purchases to profile potential terrorists, you might want to think twice before ordering that copy of How to Wreak Havoc on Imperialist Oppressors in 50 Days.
Virgo: You are the one person in America who thoroughly enjoyed the Rolling Stones' Superbowl halftime show.
Libra: Stop picking at that scab.
Scorpio: It's wonderful that Peanuts had such a profound impact on your formative years, but you need to find a more mature insult to hurl at people on a daily basis than "blockhead". May I suggest "assface"?
Sagittarius: Jesus loves you, but he wants you to stop calling him at four in the morning to drunkenly sob about your relationships.
Capricorn: Looking for a delicious side-dish to go with the chicken? Try oven-roasted corn on the cob!
Aquarius: Your determination to get in shape seems to be losing ground to your determination to eat a box and a half of Oreos every evening.
Pisces: None of your friends has the courage to tell you that your haircut looks like a moose took a hay-filled shit on your head. But they're all thinking it.