Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery






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Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Hairshirt Horoscope

Aries: Writing a letter of protest to the Westminster Kennel Club over the Best in Show awarded to a Bull Terrier is fine, but make sure you spell-check. You don't want a repeat of last year's "you'll suffer God's wreath" debacle.

Taurus: The rumored Cruise-Holmes split has absolutely devastated your sense of the rightness of the universe. How, you wonder, can anything ever be lasting and perfect if this, strongest of all possible loves, can come apart so very easily?

Gemini: This week, you get so excited during the broadcast of the Men's Curling semi-finals that you vomit all over yourself. The lesson? Have paper towels on hand when you watch curling.

Cancer: There are better philosophers to quote than Forrest Gump and it's time you learned that.

Leo: Your oysters & broccoli pizza is not going to be quite the taste sensation you'd hoped.

Virgo: There are only so many naked pictures of themselves a person can send to Molly Ringwald before she's going to get the wrong impression.

Libra: It's awesome that you still have your childhood teddy bear, but it might be unwise to bring it on a first date.

Scorpio: We all get frustrated when we can't finish a crossword puzzle, but sending a letter-bomb to Will Shortz might indicate that your fuse is a bit short.

Sagittarius: Today, you find yourself repeatedly saying, "Bjork!" And who can blame you? It's fun! "Bjork! Bjork! Bjork!"

Capricorn: Although your new love seems strong, it actually has the life-expectancy of a Dick Cheney hunting partner, so you shouldn't make any long-term plans.

Aquarius: A stuffed moose-head does indeed make a very manly wall-hanging. One must question, however, the wisdom of putting it up in the bathroom.

Pisces: Coffee, si! Coffee enema, no!

I absolutely love curling. That's the only reason why I watch the Olympics. Or do you know anything more thrilling?
Listen up, I'm starting to take offense at fate. Why can't it be more sensitive to my needs?
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