Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Aries: That sudden and overpowering notion that you should quit your job and take up the biathlon, perfecting your technique and taking the 2010 Vancouver Winter Games by storm? Yeah, you might want to think that one over for awhile.
Taurus: Diet be damned, today, you deserve to eat an entire bag of malted milk balls. Just don't eat them with soda, or you might explode. It's what happened to Mikey, the Life cereal kid.
Gemini: Your viewing of the movie Curious George is ruined this week when you realize that you've already read the book and know how it ends.
Cancer: You are so fucking pissed that Pope Benedict didn't include you in his first batch of Cardinals that you are tempted to send him a box of cat turds.
Leo: You get very nervous this week when a black cat crosses your path. Then, you realize that it's just a hallucination brought on by your severe psychosis and that sets your mind at ease.
Virgo: Your underpants do not contain magical powers. They were not given to you by an old wizard who charged you with stopping evil in our world. You should definitely not attempt to stop a bank robbery while wearing the underpants and nothing else.
Libra: This week, while in London, you fail to mind the gap.
Scorpio: Someone from your past is trying to get ahold of you. Actually, it's that lady you flicked a boog on ten seconds ago, so we're talking very, very recent past.
Sagittarius: There are very specific rules about joining the Mile High Club, one of which is that both partners need to be conscious the entire time.
Capricorn: You need to ask yourself: how certain are you that that milk wasn't too far past the expiration date? Well?
Aquarius: You are shocked this week to find that Mickey Rooney isn't fucking dead yet. What the fuck does it take to kill that guy?
Pisces: There's a reason that most people don't enjoy tapioca in their beer.