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Monday, February 06, 2006


I'm a Bigger Idiot Than I've Let On

So at this point in time, I'd just like to make a quick apology to anyone who tried to call me yesterday and were unable to reach me. I spent the day without phone service. See, I did something unrelentingly stupid.

We have a tiny, tiny kitchen. There's not a lot of counter space and there're only a couple of outlets. The outlet that's most accessible for things like recharging one's phone happens to be right by the sink.

This does not normally create any problems. Except on those occasions where someone in the house acts like the dumbest kid on the short bus and leaves their phone on vibrate when the sink is filled with dishes in which pools of water have been allowed to collect because that same someone is an immense slob. (That someone would be me, by the by.)

As a consequence of my phone vibrating its way off of the shelf and into a half-filled Ziggy mug, my phone spent the bulk of the day apart and drying. I put it together every few hours just to marvel at all the different ways the keypad could malfunction.

Anyway, because of this intensely head-up-ass situation, all of the thousands of people who normally phone me on Sundays, looking for advice on one thing or another or asking about my heavenly recipe for prune cake (and this is, in point of fact, not a joke; I've got a great prune cake recipe) were unable to reach me and so spent the day in moral confusion or without delicious prune cake. And so I humbly beg your forgiveness and promise to either charge my fucking phone someplace else or remember to switch it to my ring tone, which is currently the melodious voice of Debbie Boone singing a dance remix of "You Light Up My Life". She does. She does light up my life.

Post said Prune Cake recipe.
I once dropped mine in the bathtub while giving my kids a bath. My wife suggested I call the phone company and tell them "it fell in the toilet," as if that might somehow make a case for free replacement or service.

Sprint: "Thank you for calling Sprint. May I help you?
Me: "As a matter of fact, yes. I was taking a monster sh*t this morning and my phone fell in the toilet."
Sprint: "Oh dear. We'll send you a replacement right away."
So you actually got it working?

That Girl
I have no idea what you're talking about and I have a vague feeling that's bad.
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