HAIRSHIRT
Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery
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HAIRSHIRT Helping You Get the Most Out of Your Misery |
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Tuesday, February 28, 2006News Zoo Review
I don't usually watch CNN. This is because it fucking sucks. I don't really watch any television news. This is because it rots your brain. Local news especially. You need only watch a network show in primetime to get a hint at how truly odious local news is. Newsbrief after newsbrief, we get the hair mountains leveling their eyes at the camera and intoning solemnly they'll be bringing us the latest about the all-cheese diet that could save your life. I really don't know how local news anchors can go without slitting their own wrists.
Anyway, I was watching CNN this morning because I'd already gone through last night's Colbert Report and I still hadn't finished my toast. So one newstard smiles at the other and says, "We thought it would be fun to look at all the crazy accessories for your iPod." I must state here that it was, in point of fact, not fun. It was the opposite of fun. It was disturbing. They brought out the iPod Wurlitzer, which is a full-sized jukebox with all the trimmings, into which you plug your iPod. I don't know why, but for some reason, this brought to my mind the old joke about the ant fucking the lion. If you're going to have a huge fucking jukebox taking up half of your living room, isn't it a little retarded to use it simply as a dock for something that fits in your front pocket? It's like using a Henry Moore sculpture for a paperweight. Then they had a little robot dealie that has a 'pod port in it. You play your music and the little robot scratches on two turntables to which he is attached. Finally, all the visual excitement of a fake person playing mix-master to the hardcore sounds of your Debbie Boone collection. And there was other nonsense, like the iPort/toilet paper dispenser combo. All of this just made me angry. Angry that idiots out there were going to buy this shit and even angrier that CNN was fucking telling me about it. This is not news. This is a fucking commercial. If Apple wants me to know about their new products, let 'em pay for a fucking billboard. I don't need this crap wedged into a "news" show. See, this is why I get all my news from my neighborhood town crier. He gives it that personal spin.
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